PART 2: Considering telling a friend I’m an AB/DL.

Hello fellow little ones!

For those of you who didn’t read my recent post in which I said that I’d been considering telling a friend about my AB/DL side, you can find it right here. For those of you who read it and are eagerly awaiting to see how it went (shyeah), you can read about that RIIIIGHT NOW.

So for a quick recap: I’ve recently have been feeling very positive about my little side, I feel that the guilt/shame which I normally feel somewhere at the back of my mind is gradually diminishing. Even better, my general self esteem is at an all time high. Physically, I’m still not what you’d call “body confident”, but mentally I’m definitely in a better place in terms of being surer of myself, being more self-reliant, and just generally being happier. So for those reasons I decided to strike while the iron was hot and tell a close friend about my AB/DL side. My reasons for doing so are in the aforementioned blog.

Anyway I didn’t think this would happen so quickly, and to be quite honest, I wasn’t even that sure I was gonna go through with it. I mean talking about telling somebody is one thing, but actually DOING IT? That’s something else entirely. I’d been debating it for a few weeks and I weighed up the pros and cons over and over. Obviously, I mainly focused my energy on thinking about the worst case scenarios that might come from telling a friend a secret of this magnitude (apposed to the positives outcomes). I mean, who wouldn’t do that? ha.

I spoke to my girlfriend and she was pretty positive about it, certainly not negative anyway. I think it’s fair to say she knew that if I wasn’t absolutely confident this was the right decision, that I wouldn’t have even broached the idea.

Which brings me to this bombshell: Last week I did in fact tell my friend that I’m a little. How did it go? Well I’m thrilled to tell you that it was a huge success!

So how did it happen?

So for a few weeks we’d had some plans to meet up for some drinks. The plan was to meet up and get some food in the city, and then head back to her house for drinks. I figured it would be appropriate to tell her while we were in the city while we were still sober (This is a friend whom I usually get pretty drunk with). The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I only told her because I’d had a few too many to drink.

Anyway, we went for food and then for a drink. Conversation flowed pretty naturally as it always does and we discussed a few subjects which I felt were in someway relatable to what I wanted to tell her. So when she said “Everybody has something that makes them unique” I figured it was a good time to say it…. but then I completely bailed. I sat there telling myself “Now’s your chance, it’s the perfect time, tell her!” which then led to “Why aren’t you saying it? You’re about to lose the perfect opportunity and it might not come again”… it was too late though, the moment had passed and she said “I’ll go get us some drinks”.

When she got back to our table and sat down with our drinks I was already kicking myself and thinking I’d blown the chance of telling her this evening. Now it felt it would be too awkward and it would come out of norwhere… but nevertheless I was determined to tell her at the next opportunity, not matter how apt or inconvenient it was. So, for a second time, when I felt it was a good time, I said:

“Can I tell you a secret about myself that you might find a bit difficult to understand?”

“Of course!”

“But before I tell you, I want to let you know that this is something-

She cut me off with “Oh no” and all of a sudden she seemed really nervous.

“Just let me finish” I said

I went on with “This that could change the way you see me altogether which worries me, but I’ve reached a point where I feel it’s a good time to tell you”

She honestly looked more scared than I was..

“Oh god… You’ve got cancer?”

I laughed. “No dude, if I had cancer I’d probably be telling you from the hospital”

“You’re a paedophile? You’ve murdered somebody?”

“Oh my God, your guesses are insane. It’s a big secret dude, but not THAT big”

“Sorry” she said “But I just can’t handle the anticipation, you just need to tell me”

“Okay, but I just want to quickly say tha-“

She cut me off again “Fuck. Just tell me”

Because we were in a pub I half leaned over the table to tell her discreetly so that nobody on the next table heard me.

“For as long as I remember, I’ve identified with being a little”

The second I said this, I could feel the knot in my stomach untie. I felt so relieved I almost didn’t care what her reaction was (Almost). I leaned back in anticipation and watched her face immediately light up

“Oh my GOD! really?”

I nodded

“Wow! I can’t believe it”

I closed my eyes and nodded with a smirk and said “I know… I know”

“You wear nappies?” she said still smiling

“I do” I chuckled at this question because it seemed random, but actually it was probably the most obvious question for her to ask. I imagined she was just checking that I didn’t mean something else when I said  that I identified as a little.

“Oh my god! You’re so cute. I love you dude. I need to give you a hug”

I got up and we hugged. I couldn’t believe how well this was going.

“Thanks for being cool. You’ve no idea how hard it was for me to tell you this”

“Of course it was hard for you, this is huge! I feel so privileged that you’d tell me that. I’ve got so many questions to ask but I’ll wait till we leave the pub”

“I’m not answering any more questions, I just told you that and its the end of it”

Her eyes widened with shock and I smiled.

“I’m joking! You can ask me anything you want”

We both laughed and changed the subject. Every now and again she’d randomly go back to it and say something like “I honestly can’t believe you’re a little” or “I feel so happy you trust me this much” which made me feel good.  Later on in the evening after we got back to her place we had a huge conversation about it. She didn’t hold back when asking me questions, normally I’d feel pretty awkward about answering some of the things she asked but seeing how genuinely intrigued and enthusiastic she was about it all really boosted my confidence. She made me feel like it was such an insignificant thing and she kept saying how happy I’d made her by trusting her with such a huge and intimate secret about myself. I could tell she felt about as happy as I did that I’d confided in her.

Here’s a selection of questions that she asked me later on:

“How long into your relationship before you told ******?”

“How did you approach the subject with her?”

“Does she take care of you?”

“Does she change you?”

“Do you ‘use’ your nappies or do you just wear them?”

“What are some of the things you own?”

“Do you speak in baby talk or do you talk normally?”

“How does it work? Do you say ‘I’m going to start acting little now’ or do you just gradually regress when you feel like it? Or are you just a different person when you’re friends aren’t around?” – Believe it or not, she actually apologised for sounding stupid by asking this question, but I reassured her that it’s a good question to ask. Anyway, I could go on, but I think you get the idea of the things she asked me.

When I woke up the next day, I had a crippling hangover. Physically, I felt absolutely ROTTEN. I wanted to die the hangover was so bad. But I couldn’t help but smile because for the first time in years, I felt truly positive about my life. Something that I’ve been so ashamed of for so long which at times has made me so unhappy didn’t feel like such a big deal anymore. I now knew that my friend accepts me for exactly who I am. She’d even told me that the only thing this has changed is that it has made our friendship even stronger. A huge stress had been lifted from my shoulders. Telling her was such a relief, no hangover would beat the happiness I felt that morning.

When I first started this blog I was in a completely different place to where I am now and it’s amazing to think how far I’ve come (and also how far Mummy and me have come as a couple). I never anticipated that I’d reach a point in my life where not only would I have enough confidence to tell my girlfriend, but that I’d actually go one step further and have the faith in myself to confide in a close friend. I’m so happy that I’ve come this far. I’m actually looking forward to where the journey will go next!

Thanks for reading,

little peter rabbit x

 

Considering telling a friend I’m AB/DL

Things have been going pretty good recently and I’ve been feeling as positive as I ever have about the direction my life is going. I suffer from low self esteem, poor self image, general dissatisfaction with myself blah blah blah… No different to your typical 28 year old haha, Though I’m sure I tend to be much harder on myself than a lot of people seem to be.  But as I said, recently I’ve surprised myself with how positive I’ve been feeling lately; perhaps due to a medication I’ve recently started taking, or maybe just because the weathers been improving gradually. My confidence/self esteem etc isn’t awful at the moment, works been going really good and I’ve been feeling quite creative and productive on my days off!

What’s even more surprising is I’ve been feeling much more positive about my AB/DL side. I’ve been dipping up fairly regularly and I think this has had a positive impact too. Even on some days when I haven’t really felt like wearing a nappy I’ve still done it just to try and embrace the positive frame of mind I’ve been in where I feel no shame or urge to avoid/neglect my true self.

Now that spring is approaching, I’ve been starting to make a mental list of the things I want to do when when the weather improves and I’m feeling pretty excited about the rest of the year. I honestly feel like I’ve turned a bit of a bit of a corner on my path to self acceptance.

So this brings me to the title of this post. Yes, its true, I’ve been contemplating telling my friend about my AB/DL side. I have been thinking long and hard about this and I haven’t just woke up feeling good and impulsively decided to scream it from the hills.

While contemplating this I quizzed myself on the following questions…

Why do I want to achieve by doing this? Is there some specific benefit want to get out of telling my friend a secret like this?

The reason I want to tell my friend is because I feel that this will give me the alleviation that I need to help me move forward on my journey towards self acceptance. This something I have been living with for as long as I can remember and it’s been hard at times. I’ve felt ashamed, embarrassed, repressed, it’s hurt relationships and has added fuel to my co-existing depression. But I feel that now I’m reaching a point in my life where I no longer hate myself as much and feel much less shame about it, so I’m feel confident enough to confide in a friend that I truly trust. I hope this will strengthen my self confidence/esteem and enhance a friendship that I truly value. If nothing else, I’m sure it’ll ease a bit of that “only those weirdos on TV documentaries are adult babies” stigma that most people feel haha 😉

But why?

I’m sure many AB/DLs would agree with me when I say that one of the hardest things about being AB/DL is having to keep this secret inside and ensure that that nobody ever comes close to knowing it. It’s very hard living with a secret full stop, but one as “socially abnormal” as this tends to add that bit more weight to your shoulders. I feel that by telling somebody I trust and who I know will think nothing much of it will be a release and that weight on my shoulders may not feel so heavy. As AB/DLs, we crave the acceptance of others and fear rejection. Yet we cannot open up about this because of the social ramifications. I want to confide in somebody who I know will accept me as a friend despite my eccentricities. It’s what I need to move a step forward and feel more at peace with myself.

Is this the right person to be telling? Do I trust this person? and I mean *really trust this person* to the point where if the friendship ended,  you’d still trust them to keep your secret.

Absolutely. I’ve always thought to myself “If I was gonna tell somebody, who would it be?” and this turned out to be a pretty easy question. I have plenty of friends, but I only have a handful of close friends, some of these people have been my friend since I was a small child and I know that I’ll value these friendships until I die. The amount of admiration and respect I have for these people is off the scale and I’m sure they feel the same way about me. Having said that, I still wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable with telling some of them this and it’s important to be cautious of what their reaction would be. Some people would say “If they don’t accept this then they are not your true friend”, but I don’t necessarily believe that. I believe that just because people are best friends, doesn’t mean they have the same opinions/outlook/frame of mind as you. Something like this is a really big thing that could change the way they see you for the worse, especially if you’ve known each other for decades. So there’s a friend in particular who shares everything with me, has my “Whatever floats your boat” attitude and always trusts me with their problems no matter how embarrassing and has never even needed to utter the words “Promise you wont tell anybody?”.

What about the friend though? perhaps they don’t wanna hear this kind of personal business, is it unfair to put them in this position? 

It’s absolutely important to take into account that not only it this hard for me, but it could be hard for them too! But my friend is very open minded and actually enjoys conversations about taboo subjects, In fact it’s usually “The stranger the better”. To reiterate, this is a person who often confides in me in relating to her own personal relationships/sexual issues because they know that I’m somebody who will understand and not judge. This person doesn’t tend to get uncomfortable, if anything they may giggle, but I’m sure it’ll be followed with a “Wow!”

With regards to it being unfair to put somebody in this position: This is not like wanting to tell a friend that you have a scat fetish or telling them some random intimate details of your sex life. I’m not doing this simply for the reason of being an exhibitionist.

E.G I get turned on by the idea of cross dressing, but I don’t identify with being a woman, nor does it bear real significance on my life, so I’m probably not gonna go out of my way to tell my friends about it. Being an adult baby and having a little side is not a fetish like age-play or diapers may be for some; my little side is a huge aspect of my personality and makes up who I am. Yes it’s important for me to ask “Is this absolutely necessary?”, and though it’s not may not be imperative they know this about it, I feel that it’s in more ways a positive move than a negative one. It may be become awkward but to counter that, it’s also expressing a much higher level of trust that I don’t have for other friends.

 

 

What could the risks/ramifications be?

Mainly this:

scrubs-face-melt-o.gif

Hopefully not that bad though. I’ve tried to think of negative outcomes and though it shouldn’t be difficult to think of -oh I don’t know- A MILLION, I’m struggling to think past the obvious, but here are a couple.

  1. They tell me they think it’s a weird thing to talk about and just want to change the subject. This would be difficult because it gives no real scope to clarify/explain anything and it would just leave them with the image/opnions they already have of AB/DLS, which could be negative!
  2. They really just don’t understand and I end up just regretting the decision to tell them.
  3. They seem visibly uncomfortable and I realise it was a very bad idea… *gulp*
  4. They laugh at the whole idea and ridicule me (I assume this is most AB/DLs worst nightmare)
  5. They get angry at me for being this way/tell me its disgusting/weird/etc etc (It’s a possibility right??)
  6. They say they think its sick and perverted and try to link it to paedophilia (Ok I’m being a bit overly dramatic here)

I’ve weighed up most risks that I can think of and have came to the conclusion that they are just completely unlikely judging on who my friend is as a person.

I feel the main risk (and most likely to occur) is what I discussed in the previous question. However unlikely I think it may be, I am potentially putting my friend in an awkward and uncomfortable situation which they might find difficult to listen to. The idea of doing this isn’t exactly a pleasant thought and it doesn’t sound totally fair of me to put a friend in that position. However, I’m keeping in mind that my friend is a very open-minded, taboo friendly, and all around accepting person. I also happen to know that my friends typical reaction to feeling uncomfortable is just to giggle. Anyway, this is never *not*  going to be awkward for at least one of us, luckily we have that ‘make fun of each other’ type friendship so don’t take things too seriously. I also feel that the fact that I am opening to my friend about a really vulnerable aspect of me, and placing a huge amount of trust in that person that they will see this an appreciate the level of honesty.

Am I prepared to accept any negativity that I might be faced with?

I’m 97% confident that I wont receive much of a negative reaction. I’m not confiding in this person to be an exhibitionist about my interests. I’m telling them because I know my friend will accept this and release some of the burden on my shoulders. Having said that, they will probably laugh and want to ask questions, which I’m fine with…. I think.

Final Thoughts?

Bottom line. Telling somebody else you are an AB/DL is a huge hurdle for most (usually its no-no) but if I’m ever gonna do it, then now is the time and this is the person to tell. I just think that it was important to ask myself these questions and be as honests as I could be about the answers. I’d suggest doing the same to anybody who is contemplating telling a friend they are AB/DL. Don’t rush into a decision like this because you could regret it for a loooong time. Who knows? Maybe I might..

 

Thanks for reading,

little peter rabbit x

 

My hypothetical playlist for telling my friend (No I’m not gonna actually play this, it’s just for fun)

Queen – I want to break free

ABBA – Does your mother know?

The Ronettes – Be My Baby

Sonny and Cher – It’s the little things 

QOTSA – The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret

 

 

Response to “3 years down the line”

My recent post “3 years down the line” got an in depth response in the comments section which I feel, in the spirit of this blog, deserves it’s own post and shouldn’t be hidden away in the comments section. I do sincerely appreciate the thought and effort which goes into  responses like this.

Original post can be read here. Comment as follows by His Leaky Diaper Slut.


“Okay… I think I may have some hard truth to drop on you. You seem to want your girlfriend to have an interest in ABDL completely on her own, apart from her love for you. That’s not realistic unless you find someone straight from the ABDL community. And if you do, that person is likely going to be focused in her own enjoyment of the fetish, not you and your desires.
In my reading of blogs, browsing of reddit, and other research I have never EVER come across someone who wanted to be a parent to a grown adult as a deep, dark desire. There are people who are maternal and feel okay with doing that. There are people who love their partner so much that they enjoy caring for them. There are people who specialize in being a mommy to get paid. There are people who were already into ABDL who like swapping parent/child roles with their partner. There are Daddy doms and women with a fetish to be in control, dominate, or otherwise be in charge sexually. But I have never come across someone who fantasized solely about being a mommy to an ABDL as a deep sexual and/or spiritual gratification. Maybe that person exists, but the odds of you finding her are astronomically low.
You say that you don’t want your girlfriend to be doing this to please you because she wants to be a good girlfriend. That is maddening! I almost want to tell you to fuck right off (excuse my language, but it really does make me angry). She loves you. She wants to make you happy. Fuck you for making her feel, even for an instant, like there’s something wrong with that. If you are going to act like she’s somehow inferior to the ideal you have in your head because her panties aren’t dripping wet to get you dressed up like a baby and change your diaper as her #1 desire in life, you should stop for a reality check.
I love my husband. That’s the only reason I even know what ABDL is. I tried things and explored them with him because it made him happy. I got pleasure out of pleasing him, more than anything else. I followed his lead, and wouldn’t have done any of what we’ve done if it hadn’t been for him. And I don’t see that as a bad thing at all. I may not have been born with ABDL desires, but I don’t think that makes me “less than.”
I like what we do, but I don’t think it would be possible for me to get an “equal” amount of enjoyment or like things exactly as much as him, no matter how much I enjoy what we do, because this was never my fetish. I didn’t grow up struggling with it. I didn’t know when I was 5 that I would want to wear diapers. I didn’t have fantasies about doing any of the things that we do. If my husband made me feel bad because of that, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy things the way that I do. I would be constantly worrying that I’m not ABDL “enough” or that I’m not what he wants because I “only” do this because I met him and fell in love.
You also say that you expect her to know what to say, how to act, what to wear, when to know how you feel, etc. Frankly, that is impossible and exhausting to even think about. If you want her to say something specific or wear something special, you need to communicate that. If you are feeling something, you need to speak up. I don’t care who you find, no one will be able to read your mind!
As far as breaks and periods without kink (or ABDL activities or whatever you want to call it), that is natural. You know that desire ebbs and wanes, even for you. Your urges are not exactly the same at all times. It is your fetish. You need to be driving the boat here. When my husband and I go through long stretches without indulging in kinky sex, I follow his lead. It’s not something I want to push, even when I miss those interactions, because being little takes a certain head space. I wait for cues from him, and I’m sure your girlfriend does the same.
You’re also really vague here about what “progress” you’re looking for. What does that mean to you? Specifically. Does she know? Do you? Is it realistic (i.e. doesn’t require mind reading, would actually be possible with your schedule, finances, lifestyle, etc.)? Have you communicated what you want and how you envision it working into your lives? You may be a little, but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have responsibilities as an adult in your relationship to communicate properly. If anything, it means you have more responsibility because this all resides in your head.
I know this might have been rough, so I apologize. You’ve read enough of my blog (I think) that you hopefully know it comes from a good place.”


 

My usual reaction would be to either A) defend/justify myself where appropriate B) Correct a couple of misinterpretations. C) Give some better/clearer context on some things which I talked about in the post. But I don’t think that would really be beneficial other than to make myself feel better and take some of the sting away from that grilling! It made sense to post the response here so more people can read it.

(However I will quickly state that my post wasn’t supposed to imply a focus on sex/kink etc. I may need to clarify that on the post itself! Not that it’s important right now)

Little peter x

 

Guest post: “My Thoughts” 

It’s been a funny year. We’ve moved house, both started out in new careers, we’ve stressed about money and raised many a glass of fizz to happy times.

It’s been just over 3 years since we met, but it feels like forever. I love it when we are snuggled up in pyjamas eating pizza and drinking wine. I love our dates when we get dressed up and talk about everything. I love it when we go for big walks and don’t talk much at all.

In some ways, I think we are both quite difficult people to live with. Before we met I thought I’d always live alone.

I like a plan, and I get anxious about change and uncertainty. I can’t rest if the house is untidy, and then I still can’t rest. I always feel like I have something to do. My head is full of post it notes and I struggle to prioritise or just ignore things that really aren’t important. I get really anxious about food and routine and often this means I go to bed early to give my head a rest.

He leaves his bath towels all over the house, leaves things to the last minute and gets frustrated at me for not staying up late or for getting up really early. He is stubborn when he doesn’t get his own way.

Despite this I love him. I wouldn’t change a thing.

We balance each other out and I love that I can really tell him how I feel without him getting mad at me or arguing.

I feel so lucky that he trusted me enough to tell me about Peter Rabbit. I know how hard it must have been.

I think I thought we would be further along by now too, but I guess that progress is more of a big squiggle than a straight line. At times I’ve embraced being a mummy, taking Peter on trips out, changing him into cute outfits and settling him down for a nap. At other times, I’ve found it more difficult and have either preferred to have shorter interactions, or to just get on with adult life. It’s not that I forget about Peter, or that I don’t want him. I do. I love him and think about him and feel a huge maternal urge towards him. It’s been very difficult to manage both our needs when he feels neglected sometimes and I feel pressurised.

It hurts to know that he sometimes feels that I can’t be what he wants and needs.  I don’t want us to go through our life together feeling unfulfilled, or for him to be wondering if he’d be happier with someone else. I don’t know.

Now that we are settled in our new home I hope we can start to build on things again and start to have more fun as mummy and baby. This weekend we’re going to put the christmas tree up and i’m looking forward to playing some christmas songs with Peter and letting him help me decorate the tree. He will love the twinkly lights and the baubles that roll around the floor.

with love,

peters mummy

3 years down the line.

I’m 28 years old and I’ve been an adult baby for roughly 14 years. Before I was 18 I’d have been considered a ‘teen baby’ I guess, but a term which I never identified with due to not being too familiar with the many terms you come across in the AB/DL community. Never the less, I’ve been struggling with this for 14 years. I use the word “struggling” because frankly, it has been a struggle. At times it’s been a massive struggle. I originally started this blog to document my journey towards self acceptance and hopefully manage to write some relatable posts which may act as reassurance to other struggling AB/DLs.

Now I don’t know how interesting or effective this blog has actually been for others, but it’s definitely been a good thing for me on some level. For one thing it’s been an effective means of communication between my girlfriend and me because sometimes I find it very difficult to speak openly and honestly about my feelings with her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m generally good at expressing how I feel most of the time, but sometimes my feelings can make me a bit overwhelmed, so when I talk about it things comes out in one big BLARGH and sometimes isn’t really coherent or consistent (at least thats how I see it). Sometimes my thoughts/feelings contrast one another and they’re can often be based solely on emotions I’m feeling in that instant and not necessarily my true beliefs. Alas I just feel the need to blurt things out sometimes without thinking about what I really want to say, so this blog is a good way to really reflect on what I’m feeling and helps my partner understand me a little better. I’ve also mentioned in the past that I sometimes struggle with issues relating to my mood which sometimes causes me to shut down entirely and be completely mute about what I’m feeling. It can be really horrible for both of us when this occurs and it has never proven to be healthy or helpful, so the blogs been good for that too.

I feel that I’ve recently lost track of the reason I started this blog and either written irrelevant posts or just uploaded photographs of myself, or just not posted at all. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that per se, it’s been fun keeping a blog, but I slightly regret not using it more it’s intended purpose. So I hope to start using it a bit more in the near future and write more useful and therapeutic posts. Anyway…

 


 

Just over 3 years ago I told my girlfriend that I’m an adult baby (or there abouts). 18 months later I started my blog because as I said, I felt it would be an interesting idea to write about my thoughts, feelings and experiences as an AB/DL struggling with self acceptance and talk about how it affected my relationship and post them online. My partner equally thought it to be a good idea. Thus “Peter’s little Secret” was born!

Although it’s true that we’ve come a long way, I don’t know if things have improved or worsened. I’d like to think that things have improved because we’re now much more open about it and I feel as though I can talk to her about things which I wouldn’t have years ago. Also, just telling another person has taken a huge weight off my shoulders and it’s been a huge relief knowing that I’m not holding in a secret which deep down I’ve always desperately wanted to share with someone. However, sometimes I think that by opening up about it to my girlfriend, I’ve in fact just made things far more complicated in our relationship and opened up a can of worms. The optimist in me would think “That’s not true, if you weren’t open about it then things would have just gotten worse, so be proud of yourself and stop thinking too much”. Whereas my typical pessimist thinking says “Maybe I’m just better off alone, that way I would never have to explain and/or compromise myself. It’s too difficult for us both and I should never have bothered. None of us signed up for this”.

 

Things have now gotten to a point where I’m somewhere in the middle. I feel like I’ve reached a crossroads where I’ll either just want to either forget about the whole thing, or keep wading through the tarpit to see if it pays off for our relationship. The problem is I just don’t seem to know what I want anymore. I’m just stuck at this cross road and have been for a while.

I’m constantly fighting this battle where I can’t help but feel like I’m forcing an interest on her and that I have these unrealistic expectations of her e.g what to say, how to act, what to wear, when to know how I feel etc. I suppose that comes through wanting too much maybe? Though I’m aware that she does make a huge effort and she doesn’t really mind so much that I’m an adult baby – there’s still that part of me that thinks she shouldn’t have to deal with things like this and that prevents me from trying to pursue our parent/little relationship further or prevent it from progressing. It always seems to come back to feeling a sense of “shame”. Also, while I’m being bruitally honest sometimes it makes me really frustrated that it’s not something she loves and is really into. I think most AB/DLs have that fantasy of meeting the perfect mummy/carer who will equally enjoy it and get similar amounts of gratification. But the reality is, a large percentage probably won’t ever have that and incorporating it into their relationship is going to consist largely of compromise. But compromise is hard for AB/DLs because, well, they act like children! Sometimes I tell myself we’d work better as a couple if this wasn’t always coming between us and that maybe we should just try to forget about it. Again, these are just thoughts and not necessarily my beliefs. To add fuel to that fire, my partner is also affected by my negative thinking because I get the impression that she feels she’s not good enough for me or that she’s not what I want/need as an AB/DL. of course that couldn’t be further from the truth, especially with regards to our adult/adult relationship. But I dunno.. Something I am guilty of thinking that maybe this is one thing that we’re just not compatible on. I hated writing that.

I suppose the progress we’ve made in 3 years isn’t exactly what I’ve expected. Not only have things not progressed at the speed I’d have wished for, but I don’t even know if things have went in the direction I wanted them to. But admittedly, I’m saying that from a selfish point of view because it’s not just about what I want or what I’m comfortable with, its about both of us, I get that. But I’m not a saint and sometimes maybe I’m just a bit selfish when it comes to my want’s and needs. Jeez, I’m such a child sometimes! (haha)

While I’m on the subject of progress, here’s a quote from Rosaline Bent’s great book “There’s a baby in my bed” which I find myself  looking a from time to time for some peace of mind.

There is no rush. Your Little One always wants to rush, as it is the nature of a child. Don’t let him rush you, but go into it at your own pace. Just make sure that the pace isn’t glacial. If progress is so slow that it is not apparent, then he will grow frustrated and assume you no longer want to pursue any of it.

There have been periods in our relationship when we haven’t spoken about it at all, whereas there have been other times when things have been rushed and I’ve gotten the impression that my girlfriend suspects a Parent/Child relationship is all I’m interested in. It’s been really difficult settling on a pace of which we are both comfortable with and what works. Sometimes we go through phases of completely forgetting/neglecting my little and our parent/child relationship has suffered because of that. Maybe it’s been too difficult or awkward to reestablish little time after such long quiet periods. The easiest thing has always been to just ignore it, for me anyway.

 


 

After years of dreaming about telling a partner and the prospect of having a mummy to take care of me, I finally managed to achieve it (kind of). The strange thing is that now the burden has been lifted and I sort of have a mummy, its become just another burden in another aspect of my life. I’m reminded of a saying:

Ironically, we tend to want what we can’t have. Then once we get it, we don’t want it anymore.

I’m being a bit melodramatic here because I know this is a part of me which will probably never go away and in a few weeks my opinions will change, I’m probably just having one of those “purge” moments. But what I do believe is that now I’ve experienced having a mummy, and now that I know how hard it is to maintain this sort of thing in a relationship, the strong and almost uncontrollable urges and desires just seem to be fading.  I don’t know if its the stress from work, moving home, or just a mix of things. But for the past few months, I feel like the positive things about being AB/DL have been sucked out of me and all I’m left with is a failed attempt at happiness. The whole thing is draining.

I mean getting it out in the open was one thing, and I think because it was so important for me to talk to my girlfriend about it that I didn’t really consider where I intended it to go from there. Have I always just assumed that I’d be able to some how ‘get her to like it’? I know that for some women who especially have a nurturing/maternal side to them it can be a wonderful thing which brings two people closer together. But to this day it still feels like my girlfriend is doing me a favour. I just don’t think she’s that type of person. It pains me to admit this, but sometimes the frustration makes me want to yell “you just don’t get it and I feel you never will”. Maybe I’m wrong, I certainly hope I am. But I really don’t want to learn that she’s just trying to be a good girlfriend for me, because I don’t want that, I want us both to be equally content in all aspects of our relationship. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met and we love each other unconditionally, I know we’ll always be together. But at the moment I feel as though that some pieces aren’t quite fitting. The shitty thing is that I don’t really know what to do about it!

In spirit of this slightly depressing post, here’s a song that’s makes me feel better and has a slightly appropriate title!

 

Bye for now,

Little Peter (picked a plate of pickled peppers) x

Attempt at telling an ex-girlfriend I had an AB/DL side.

Reader please note that this post might make it appear as though the entire relationship revolved around me telling an ex-girlfriend that I was an AB/DL. That isn’t true, I’ve just taken out key thoughts/moments of the relationship which relate to the themes of this blog

So yes, the first person I ever ‘told’ about my AB/DL interests was an ex girlfriend. The following snippets detail the few times the subject came up.


 

Shortly after we first started dating, which was during my university years, I was made aware that this girl I was seeing was actually pretty kinky. This interested me greatly (heh) and was one of the reasons I became even more attracted to her than I already was (I was 19 or 20 so pretty shallow back then. Give me a break). My interests in Fetish/Kink/Bondage/dom>sub/humiliation/weirdness etc had been stewing and bubbling since I was around the age of 6 or 7 (who knows maybe even earlier), and as my interests grew, the more alienated I felt from the rest of the world. This was probably because I grew up in a small bigoted town where if you were the slightest bit ‘alternative’ you were considered a freak and subjected to verbal abuse (you know those kind of towns).

So here was a girl who not only owned a collection of whips, ropes, collars etc and liked to dress up in typical fetish fashion, but was actually open about it with others in social situations and in no way did she appear embarrassed or ashamed! So I thought to myself “Hey, she seems like a pretty open minded person” which ignited the possibility of confiding in somebody else about my AB/DL interests.

Just before I’d reached this point in my life, the actuality of telling another person about my desire to be taken care of as a baby was completely and totally out of the question. In fact, speaking in a social context, one of my primary goals  was to ensure that nobody ever found out about this aspect of me. For some bizarre reason I always experienced small paranoid feelings that everybody close to me were minutes away from finding out about my “gross” and “perverted” secret and would exile me from humanity. On the other hand though, I’d had this longing to confide in somebody for years previous to this. I just wished I had somebody to listen to the words come out of my mouth and who would respond simply with “I accept this. You are normal. I don’t think any less of you. Be who you are”. But I couldn’t seem to pluck up the courage to tell anybody close to me over the years. I toyed with the idea of telling a very close friend, but that idea soon became a definite no-no. I then toyed with the idea of telling my then therapist in hopes that they would help me make sense of it, but that went out the window. But after getting to know this new girlfriend better and on a much more intimate level, I said to myself “I can do this”. Buuut…

I couldn’t do it.

No way.

No thanks.

Fuhgeddaboudit

Just like the other times, I lost the nerve and told myself “Talk about it when the time is right”. The first few months of our relationship were still pretty exciting for me sexually though as I hadn’t really had a lot of kinky sex prior to that relationship. In fact, I’d had very little sex generally compared to you’re average university student. But no matter how satisfied I felt sexually. This ‘thing’ was still there. This ‘urge’ or ‘unfulfilled desire’ or ‘NEED’ – Whatever you want to call it. A circular hole that couldn’t be filled by square pegs, so to speak.

So as I said, this girl was pretty kinky and it wasn’t unusual for her to talk about it too. I recall one evening when we were sat in a pub chatting, and she put it to me that she’d find it sexy if I were to crossdress and be her “slut” for the evening (is it getting warm in here?). I admired her ability to talk to casually about something so “shameful and embarrassing”. And yes thank you. Of course. I am certainly into that idea. Absolutely. Yes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Hearing that desire gave me a little bit of confidence to try telling her about being AB/DL or at least, perhaps incorporating elements of age-play into our sex life. At that time I thought that explaining it in non-sexual context would have been a bit confusing to somebody who had no prior insight into the subject (which became clear some months earlier). I always used to bat back and forth in my head “Whats the easiest way to break this to somebody?” Well… this was my window. After all, I did & still do get turned on by age-play.

So one night I plucked up the courage (after a few drinks of course) and subtly slotted it into the conversation once we got onto the subject of sex. The conversation seemed to progress nicely which allowed me to say something like “I’ve always had a bit of a strange fetish” and after skirting around it for a while and after a bit of prodding from her,  I eventually said something roughly along the lines of “I’ve always fantasised about the idea of being put in a nappy”.

This was met with a playful “Oh my god are you joking??”. I immediately regretted it and told her that I wasn’t joking, but I laughed a long because she didn’t seem like she was being malicious. I explained what I liked about it, the feeling, the submissive feeling etc But then she said “yeah that is VERY weird ******” and changed the subject. Ouchy mama. I thought this girl was supposed to be open minded?!

Oh well. That was the end of that conversation.

I didn’t intend to bring it up again… at least not immediately. I was/can be/am overly sensitive person at times and I was a bit hurt at how she just brushed it off as a joke and never spoke about it again. Her reaction didn’t really fill me with the confidence to say “Well would you be into trying it some time?” the following day. So I just left it at that. Could you blame me really? So it took me a while to recover from that blow.


By now you may have spotted that I had this recurring negative frame of mind which constantly made me over analyse everything and only focused on negative outcomes. This has always been my biggest enemy and were I a bit more of a positive person which a little more confidence, it may not have been the huge deal that I made it out to be. If only. 

But I believe that when we worry about being judged by others or feel that we may be laughed at/ridiculed in some way, that we are in fact only judging ourselves and revealing a lack of self esteem. So to say to somebody “sheesh stop making such a big deal out of something and just be yourself” could compare to, oh I dunno, lets say telling a body conscious person “Nobody cares what you look like at the beach. Just take your shirt off” . Maybe it’s not a big deal to you… but that’s YOU. Know what I mean? Anyway… 

So I brought it up again about 6-8 months later (yep I left it that long). We were chatting one evening and I asked if she remembered about my “strange fetish” which I told her about months ago. She said she didn’t. So I had to go through the embarrassing ordeal of explaining it again and attempting to imply that it’s something I’d always thought about and wanted to try. I spoke a bit more casually and made it sound as though it was more of something I’d just wanted to experiment with (y’know… in the name of science!)

Her reaction was slightly different this time. In that she didn’t react at all. No response, just silence and maybe a “hm”, which was even more frustrating. One thing I really hate (which I’m also very good at) is the silent treatment, man it frustrates me. Our communication wasn’t awesome at the best of times, so from then on I just resided to the fact that being AB/DL was just another thing for the bag of “suppressed feelings”.

So as years passed, the kinky sex faded and was replaced with vanilla sex, then the vanilla sex faded and wasn’t replaced at all. There was never a strong emotional connection in the relationship so the sex was always destined to fade and we were going to end up resenting each other for it (among other things of course)… and one day this happened:

One day when I had a friend over. We were both hanging around in my room and she came in and asked if she could borrow my laptop. For a joke I said “Sure, but don’t be rifling through my browser history, you’ll be shocked”. My friend laughed at my bad porn joke, which was my intention. However, she then jokingly replied  “Don’t worry, I’ve seen the porn you’ve got and its f***ing disgusting”.

I must admit, I did in fact have AB/DL pictures saved on my laptop  which I’d…let’s say “appreciated” from time to time (I am a human being after all). I’d forgotten they were there, but alas they were still there. Bonehead!

I immediately remembered about what she was referring to and I felt mortified. I laughed but I felt as though my heart had stopped. “I was sure I deleted that?” I thought to myself, but I laughed anyway and retorted with a simple “touche”. Later that evening when my friend had left I asked about the comment she made.. I just wanted to confirm whether or not she was joking and hadn’t actually seen any porn on my computer in the past. It turned out that she wasn’t joking and she was being serious. Yikes.

“How come you’ve never said anything about it before?” I asked. She shied away from the question but I persisted until she eventually said something along the lines of “Because I just didn’t want to know about it. It’s gross”

So it was now clear that there was an element of truth to her saying “It’s f***ing disgusting” earlier on. Which cut a bit deep to be honest.. I left it there because I’d felt embarrassed enough for one day.

Later that week, I did try to explain “the whole AB/DL thing” to her, but there was very little interest shown so I gave up. It was one of those “I don’t understand and I don’t want to” type situations. Frustrating for me at the time, especially seeing as how I still found that part of me very hard to accept, and here I was trying to explain it to somebody who thought it was gross.

Final thought *theme music*

Ultimately the relationship finally crumbled years later. It turned out to be just because that relationship was just not meant to be and didn’t have much to do with anything other than us just not being right for each other (in any way)

The biggest reason that I was too scared to tell her was because I just feared the rejection, and deep down I knew that’s what I’d be faced with. Despite her being pretty kinky and a bit of a dom, she wasn’t the least bit open minded (those two things don’t necessarily go hand in hand). At the same time I just really wanted to be accepted, so who better to seek acceptance from than my own bloody girlfriend?? That way I could at least find it a bit easier to accept myself for what I am. But she was never really the accepting type though…. the dick head (ha!)

When I told my current partner about being AB/DL it was still a very hard thing for me to do. However, deep down, beyond all the self-esteem, low confidence and fear of rejection issues, a big part of me felt that it was just the right thing to do as early as possible. I knew that she was “the one” which made it ten times easier. It was no where near as near as hard to talk about as it was with my ex, whose reaction I was completely unsure of. I’d compare that with knocking on my next door neighbour’s door and telling them my deepest secret. I don’t mean to sound like I’m saying “If you don’t know how they’ll react, they’re not for you”, because I’m not, but this was just how it happened for me. So whateverrrr.

Little Peter x