Guest post: “My Thoughts” 

It’s been a funny year. We’ve moved house, both started out in new careers, we’ve stressed about money and raised many a glass of fizz to happy times.

It’s been just over 3 years since we met, but it feels like forever. I love it when we are snuggled up in pyjamas eating pizza and drinking wine. I love our dates when we get dressed up and talk about everything. I love it when we go for big walks and don’t talk much at all.

In some ways, I think we are both quite difficult people to live with. Before we met I thought I’d always live alone.

I like a plan, and I get anxious about change and uncertainty. I can’t rest if the house is untidy, and then I still can’t rest. I always feel like I have something to do. My head is full of post it notes and I struggle to prioritise or just ignore things that really aren’t important. I get really anxious about food and routine and often this means I go to bed early to give my head a rest.

He leaves his bath towels all over the house, leaves things to the last minute and gets frustrated at me for not staying up late or for getting up really early. He is stubborn when he doesn’t get his own way.

Despite this I love him. I wouldn’t change a thing.

We balance each other out and I love that I can really tell him how I feel without him getting mad at me or arguing.

I feel so lucky that he trusted me enough to tell me about Peter Rabbit. I know how hard it must have been.

I think I thought we would be further along by now too, but I guess that progress is more of a big squiggle than a straight line. At times I’ve embraced being a mummy, taking Peter on trips out, changing him into cute outfits and settling him down for a nap. At other times, I’ve found it more difficult and have either preferred to have shorter interactions, or to just get on with adult life. It’s not that I forget about Peter, or that I don’t want him. I do. I love him and think about him and feel a huge maternal urge towards him. It’s been very difficult to manage both our needs when he feels neglected sometimes and I feel pressurised.

It hurts to know that he sometimes feels that I can’t be what he wants and needs.  I don’t want us to go through our life together feeling unfulfilled, or for him to be wondering if he’d be happier with someone else. I don’t know.

Now that we are settled in our new home I hope we can start to build on things again and start to have more fun as mummy and baby. This weekend we’re going to put the christmas tree up and i’m looking forward to playing some christmas songs with Peter and letting him help me decorate the tree. He will love the twinkly lights and the baubles that roll around the floor.

with love,

peters mummy

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