Reader please note that this post might make it appear as though the entire relationship revolved around me telling an ex-girlfriend that I was an AB/DL. That isn’t true, I’ve just taken out key thoughts/moments of the relationship which relate to the themes of this blog
So yes, the first person I ever ‘told’ about my AB/DL interests was an ex girlfriend. The following snippets detail the few times the subject came up.
Shortly after we first started dating, which was during my university years, I was made aware that this girl I was seeing was actually pretty kinky. This interested me greatly (heh) and was one of the reasons I became even more attracted to her than I already was (I was 19 or 20 so pretty shallow back then. Give me a break). My interests in Fetish/Kink/Bondage/dom>sub/humiliation/weirdness etc had been stewing and bubbling since I was around the age of 6 or 7 (who knows maybe even earlier), and as my interests grew, the more alienated I felt from the rest of the world. This was probably because I grew up in a small bigoted town where if you were the slightest bit ‘alternative’ you were considered a freak and subjected to verbal abuse (you know those kind of towns).
So here was a girl who not only owned a collection of whips, ropes, collars etc and liked to dress up in typical fetish fashion, but was actually open about it with others in social situations and in no way did she appear embarrassed or ashamed! So I thought to myself “Hey, she seems like a pretty open minded person” which ignited the possibility of confiding in somebody else about my AB/DL interests.
Just before I’d reached this point in my life, the actuality of telling another person about my desire to be taken care of as a baby was completely and totally out of the question. In fact, speaking in a social context, one of my primary goals was to ensure that nobody ever found out about this aspect of me. For some bizarre reason I always experienced small paranoid feelings that everybody close to me were minutes away from finding out about my “gross” and “perverted” secret and would exile me from humanity. On the other hand though, I’d had this longing to confide in somebody for years previous to this. I just wished I had somebody to listen to the words come out of my mouth and who would respond simply with “I accept this. You are normal. I don’t think any less of you. Be who you are”. But I couldn’t seem to pluck up the courage to tell anybody close to me over the years. I toyed with the idea of telling a very close friend, but that idea soon became a definite no-no. I then toyed with the idea of telling my then therapist in hopes that they would help me make sense of it, but that went out the window. But after getting to know this new girlfriend better and on a much more intimate level, I said to myself “I can do this”. Buuut…
I couldn’t do it.
Just like the other times, I lost the nerve and told myself “Talk about it when the time is right”. The first few months of our relationship were still pretty exciting for me sexually though as I hadn’t really had a lot of kinky sex prior to that relationship. In fact, I’d had very little sex generally compared to you’re average university student. But no matter how satisfied I felt sexually. This ‘thing’ was still there. This ‘urge’ or ‘unfulfilled desire’ or ‘NEED’ – Whatever you want to call it. A circular hole that couldn’t be filled by square pegs, so to speak.
So as I said, this girl was pretty kinky and it wasn’t unusual for her to talk about it too. I recall one evening when we were sat in a pub chatting, and she put it to me that she’d find it sexy if I were to crossdress and be her “slut” for the evening (is it getting warm in here?). I admired her ability to talk to casually about something so “shameful and embarrassing”. And yes thank you. Of course. I am certainly into that idea. Absolutely. Yes. Fuhgeddaboutit.
Hearing that desire gave me a little bit of confidence to try telling her about being AB/DL or at least, perhaps incorporating elements of age-play into our sex life. At that time I thought that explaining it in non-sexual context would have been a bit confusing to somebody who had no prior insight into the subject (which became clear some months earlier). I always used to bat back and forth in my head “Whats the easiest way to break this to somebody?” Well… this was my window. After all, I did & still do get turned on by age-play.
So one night I plucked up the courage (after a few drinks of course) and subtly slotted it into the conversation once we got onto the subject of sex. The conversation seemed to progress nicely which allowed me to say something like “I’ve always had a bit of a strange fetish” and after skirting around it for a while and after a bit of prodding from her, I eventually said something roughly along the lines of “I’ve always fantasised about the idea of being put in a nappy”.
This was met with a playful “Oh my god are you joking??”. I immediately regretted it and told her that I wasn’t joking, but I laughed a long because she didn’t seem like she was being malicious. I explained what I liked about it, the feeling, the submissive feeling etc But then she said “yeah that is VERY weird ******” and changed the subject. Ouchy mama. I thought this girl was supposed to be open minded?!
Oh well. That was the end of that conversation.
I didn’t intend to bring it up again… at least not immediately. I was/can be/am overly sensitive person at times and I was a bit hurt at how she just brushed it off as a joke and never spoke about it again. Her reaction didn’t really fill me with the confidence to say “Well would you be into trying it some time?” the following day. So I just left it at that. Could you blame me really? So it took me a while to recover from that blow.
By now you may have spotted that I had this recurring negative frame of mind which constantly made me over analyse everything and only focused on negative outcomes. This has always been my biggest enemy and were I a bit more of a positive person which a little more confidence, it may not have been the huge deal that I made it out to be. If only.
But I believe that when we worry about being judged by others or feel that we may be laughed at/ridiculed in some way, that we are in fact only judging ourselves and revealing a lack of self esteem. So to say to somebody “sheesh stop making such a big deal out of something and just be yourself” could compare to, oh I dunno, lets say telling a body conscious person “Nobody cares what you look like at the beach. Just take your shirt off” . Maybe it’s not a big deal to you… but that’s YOU. Know what I mean? Anyway…
So I brought it up again about 6-8 months later (yep I left it that long). We were chatting one evening and I asked if she remembered about my “strange fetish” which I told her about months ago. She said she didn’t. So I had to go through the embarrassing ordeal of explaining it again and attempting to imply that it’s something I’d always thought about and wanted to try. I spoke a bit more casually and made it sound as though it was more of something I’d just wanted to experiment with (y’know… in the name of science!)
Her reaction was slightly different this time. In that she didn’t react at all. No response, just silence and maybe a “hm”, which was even more frustrating. One thing I really hate (which I’m also very good at) is the silent treatment, man it frustrates me. Our communication wasn’t awesome at the best of times, so from then on I just resided to the fact that being AB/DL was just another thing for the bag of “suppressed feelings”.
So as years passed, the kinky sex faded and was replaced with vanilla sex, then the vanilla sex faded and wasn’t replaced at all. There was never a strong emotional connection in the relationship so the sex was always destined to fade and we were going to end up resenting each other for it (among other things of course)… and one day this happened:
One day when I had a friend over. We were both hanging around in my room and she came in and asked if she could borrow my laptop. For a joke I said “Sure, but don’t be rifling through my browser history, you’ll be shocked”. My friend laughed at my bad porn joke, which was my intention. However, she then jokingly replied “Don’t worry, I’ve seen the porn you’ve got and its f***ing disgusting”.
I must admit, I did in fact have AB/DL pictures saved on my laptop which I’d…let’s say “appreciated” from time to time (I am a human being after all). I’d forgotten they were there, but alas they were still there. Bonehead!
I immediately remembered about what she was referring to and I felt mortified. I laughed but I felt as though my heart had stopped. “I was sure I deleted that?” I thought to myself, but I laughed anyway and retorted with a simple “touche”. Later that evening when my friend had left I asked about the comment she made.. I just wanted to confirm whether or not she was joking and hadn’t actually seen any porn on my computer in the past. It turned out that she wasn’t joking and she was being serious. Yikes.
“How come you’ve never said anything about it before?” I asked. She shied away from the question but I persisted until she eventually said something along the lines of “Because I just didn’t want to know about it. It’s gross”
So it was now clear that there was an element of truth to her saying “It’s f***ing disgusting” earlier on. Which cut a bit deep to be honest.. I left it there because I’d felt embarrassed enough for one day.
Later that week, I did try to explain “the whole AB/DL thing” to her, but there was very little interest shown so I gave up. It was one of those “I don’t understand and I don’t want to” type situations. Frustrating for me at the time, especially seeing as how I still found that part of me very hard to accept, and here I was trying to explain it to somebody who thought it was gross.
Final thought *theme music*
Ultimately the relationship finally crumbled years later. It turned out to be just because that relationship was just not meant to be and didn’t have much to do with anything other than us just not being right for each other (in any way)
The biggest reason that I was too scared to tell her was because I just feared the rejection, and deep down I knew that’s what I’d be faced with. Despite her being pretty kinky and a bit of a dom, she wasn’t the least bit open minded (those two things don’t necessarily go hand in hand). At the same time I just really wanted to be accepted, so who better to seek acceptance from than my own bloody girlfriend?? That way I could at least find it a bit easier to accept myself for what I am. But she was never really the accepting type though…. the dick head (ha!)
When I told my current partner about being AB/DL it was still a very hard thing for me to do. However, deep down, beyond all the self-esteem, low confidence and fear of rejection issues, a big part of me felt that it was just the right thing to do as early as possible. I knew that she was “the one” which made it ten times easier. It was no where near as near as hard to talk about as it was with my ex, whose reaction I was completely unsure of. I’d compare that with knocking on my next door neighbour’s door and telling them my deepest secret. I don’t mean to sound like I’m saying “If you don’t know how they’ll react, they’re not for you”, because I’m not, but this was just how it happened for me. So whateverrrr.
Little Peter x