Hey there 🙂
Sadly this blog post isn’t about what I’d hoped it would be. In my last post I talked about not feeling very little recently due to a lot of stress and anxiety which had been building up over the past few months (since christmas really) and I said that I hoped my next post was not going to focus on my adult self, but more on my little side a.k.a Little Peter Rabbit. But it really pains me to say that things haven’t changed much since my last post.
I haven’t had much little time at all over the past month (in addition to the 3 months prior to that). I’ve spent time being little maybe once or twice on my own while my girlfriend has been at work, but as far as spending time with Mummy goes, it’s been a long time. I know my Mummy loves me and she enjoys having little time together (maybe not quite) as much as I do, but I can’t help but feel things are fading a little bit between Mummy and me. The less little time we have the more awkward I feel about bringing it up or initiating it. Not because I feel ashamed like I once did (Thankfully I feel I’ve moved past the shame stage) but because I get the vibe that Mummy has needed a bit of a break from it too. We’ve both just had a lot on recently – I’ve been working shifts which means we haven’t had a consistent amount of time together, Mummy has been focusing on some of her own things (Craft fairs, sporting events, and her job), and on top of that we’ve both been looking at houses because we’ve decided to move! (Yay for us :D).
Parts of that last paragraph seemed a bit grim but I don’t in any way mean to imply that we’re not happy, because I have to say that I don’t think I’ve ever been happier and I’m sure my girlfriend feels the same way. But having so much “adult stuff” going on at the moment means I’m left with a huge hole in my life which is, yep you guessed it, “the little stuff”. I can’t pin point the exact reason why I recently haven’t felt as thought I’ve needed/desired/craved little time. But I can say that I completely miss it and feel like there’s something big missing in my life at the moment.
Maybe this means that I’ve finally come to accept this part of myself and subsequently it no longer has the hold over me which it once did? Maybe I no longer *need* little time and it’s just a casual part of my life which I can indulge in whenever I feel? In the past I would try to go as long as I could without having little time but the urge would build and build and I’d eventually buckle and end up buying some nappies and over indulge in little time (binge/purge), but now it’s like I’m not even suppressing it. I guess on the surface I’m just a bit indifferent at the moment.
This brings up a question which I’d like to present to any AB/DL or LG/LB etc reading this. Taking into account a lot of the negative feelings that can go along with being AB/DL (especially when you’re younger) such as feeling ashamed, fearful, embarrassed, lonely, mocked, neglected, rejected, and taking into account how hard it can be opening up to others about this – if you could take away your Little and be a “normal” adult with no deep dark secret, would you? (be honest).
I mean, that’s what I’d always wished for, right? The ability to have some control over myself? Isn’t that what a lot of closet AB/DLs hope for? (stop me if I’m wrong)… I’ve always felt extremely ashamed of myself and hated my little side for ruining my chances of being “normal” So surely going for four months without “feeling like it” is a good thing? right?.. If this is what it feels like to be “normal” and progress I have to say it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. To be quite honest, it’s a bummer.
**Fun fact: Four months is the longest I’ve ever went without the urge to regress**
I don’t know if this is down to us having hectic lives at the moment, or down to me moving further down the road to “self acceptance”, or both. But I feel a strong sense of being in limbo at the moment. Life’s came to a sudden halt. It’s like I’ve become an adult. Ew gross!.
Having said all this, the good thing is that I *do* feel deep down, that my love for all things AB/DL will never fade and I will always be a little. I adore thinking about the feeling of Mummy putting my dummy in my mouth and telling me to “hush” while she changes me into a dry nappy. But the gaps between daydreams seems to be getting bigger each time. Mummy hasn’t really mentioned our lack of little time together either, which makes me wonder what her opinion is, is she happy to have the break? does she miss it? Maybe it’s time for a chat 🙂
I will say again that I hope my next post is much more positive and makes for a much more enjoyable read!
Hope you are all well 🙂
Little Peter Rabbit x
Sorry for that downer! Aside from that, things really couldn’t be better. Works going great, the days are getting sunnier, we’re looking at lots of lovely houses to potentially purchase, and we’ve got lots of lovely things planned for the remainder of the year! Woo wooooo!