Today has been a bad day.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed which was no biggie. We all do every now and again.. Some stuff happened in the morning which made the day a little worse, but I got through it even though I was still feeling low. But I managed to leave the house for some air which felt good. I ran some errands, done some work and I actually felt myself climbing out of the drain which I was circling. I felt good! Later on I even managed to squeeze in some little time as I thought being in my little place might turn the day around once and for all. But I couldn’t get to my little place. Something pulled me back. Something which was starting to make me feel like I used to feel years ago.
I called my girlfriend because it was around the time she’d be walking home from work and I thought that hearing her voice would cheer me up. It did. She asked me if I’ve been a good boy for her while she was at work and she told me she was going to get me a treat on her way home.
How does she do that?
How does she make the darkness subside so easily?
“Maybe it’s just Mummy that I need”
I’ve always suffered from symptoms very close to that of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve never had a written diagnosis or anything like that, but I have in fact been told in the past by “trained professionals” that I display those symptoms. I’ve never really understood what that means, but after I looked it up years ago I accepted that those symptoms sound very familiar. So I just went with it. It’s not nice knowing that you may have a mental health problem. But on the other hand it’s always felt good being able to pin my highs and lows (especially my lows) onto something which is actually a thing.
But for the past 2/3 years, the low periods have got further and further apart from each other. I’ve gradually felt better and have become much, much happier. It’s really felt like a thing of the past. Which is awesome! Nothing beats feeling like a ‘mental health problem’ is over and done with!
But today I’ve felt myself revisiting some of those old symptoms.
When my girlfriend got home I felt a glimmer of hope, I wanted so desperately for her to immediately sense I wasn’t feeling good. I wanted her to hold my head in her arms and tell me “There, there. It’s OK sweety, Mummy is here to take care of you now. Let’s get you changed”. But she didn’t. Why? Because that’s life. That’s being an individual entitled to your own feelings and emotions. My girlfriend had just spent over an hour walking home from work. She was cold, wet, tired and hungry. But I just wanted the focus and attention to be on me and I wanted her to make me feel better. I wasn’t thinking about her. Just me. ME. ME. ME.
My girlfriend walked into the kitchen and started making her dinner. My insides were screaming “I’m here! give me some attention!”. But no sign of Mummy. Just my girlfriend making tea, chatting to me like everything was fine. Mind you, at this point I hadn’t even given the slightest indication that anything was wrong. I had already slipped into a real low and Mummy was my last hope. Not because being babied is what normally works (just so you know).. I rarely get like this. I just thought it may make me feel better.
I don’t know if it was a typical tantrum that I felt coming on… or a “symptom” of the BPD which was reemerging.. The lines were starting to blur. But when my girlfriend didn’t go into ‘Mummy mode’ I felt those feelings of rejection, neglect and abandonment all wash over me.
And there it was. My last bit of hope had gone. All because I was too selfish to see my girlfriend as a person and not as a “Mummy” put there for my own needs. I really wish I was able to fight it. But it’s almost like I wanted to feel like shit.
I ate a little tea and went upstairs to be alone. She could now see that I was feeling shitty.
My wonderful caring girlfriend left me to go upstairs because she thought I needed to be alone and needed some space. I don’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t want space. I didn’t want to be alone but I was just feeling too low to not be alone. The only energy I had was spent on my insides which were still screaming “HERE I AM! I’M UPSTAIRS”.
Eventually she came to see if I wanted to talk but my energy was sapped. I gave her nothing. Just pushed her away, which made me feel worse because I could see myself doing it. I sat there numb while she tried to comfort me without being over bearing. She is such a soldier girl. Yet all I could do was push her away in an attempt to not risk further rejection.
After some silence and a little bit of mumbling, I went for a bath. Sometimes a bath cheers me up. I sat up in the water. Very still. On my own. For 40 minutes. Eventually she came in to check on me, tried to get some sort of information out of me. The less I gave her, the more I hated myself. The shorter my answers were, the lower I felt.
We talked about some things which were unrelated, that made things a bit easier. I didn’t want to talk about how I was feeling or what was (and still is) wrong. Not only because I didn’t know the answers, but also because I’ve never been able to talk when I get like this. I just shut down into a big ball of numb.
After a while she said she was gonna go and finish off some craft work she’d been doing earlier
“Can’t you stay here with me?” I mumbled
“Of Course” she said.
At that moment I realised I (we) will get through it. But for now all I can really say is: I’m sorry ******. I’m sorry for feeling horrible, which makes me act horrible.