GUEST POST: Mummy’s thoughts.

Hello little ones,

It’s Peter Rabbit’s mummy here.
Peter and I have been very busy lately, but we’ve just enjoyed a lovely few days together where we have been able to reconnect and have some special time.
For Christmas I bought Peter some long pajamas with toys printed on them. Unfortunately they were much too baggy for him, even with his nappy on. Luckily a family friend is a seamstress, so we were able to send the pajamas to her to take in.
Luckily it didn’t take her too long. Peter loved his pajamas and couldn’t understand why mummy was taking them away!
When they arrived back I was so happy to see that they were now a perfect fit, and perfect for Peter to wear in the colder weather.
He also has some lovely new socks with bears on to keep his feet warm when he’s playing and snuggling up with mummy.

Today, some lovely new nappies arrived in the post- I can’t wait to try them on Peter. I do hope that they fit him and keep him snug and clean. He is a typical little boy who loves to jump about and make a mess.
Mummy often has to tidy up after Peter and make sure there are no objects around that he could hurt himself with. He definitely keeps me on my toes 🙂

I’ve recently been thinking that I’d like to do something nice for Peter, a little surprise that I know he will love (he loves surprises!).

Watch this space and all will be revealed…

Mummy 🙂

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More to it than wearing nappies.

As an adult I’ve always loved Goofy toys. Whether its a Goofy teddy, hat, Pes dispenser or whatever.. I just really love Goofy toys. I like other stupid stuff too, such as Classic Disney toys… Statues from films.. all sorts of crap. I don’t really buy much these days and a lot of my old toys have been thrown out over the years (including much of my goofy related stuff), but I’m still into it! I’ve never really bothered to try and understand my fascination with inanimate objects, especially when most of my friends own very few things. I’m just a hoarder and that’s pretty much all there is too it! It’s how I can express myself..

When we’re children we constantly find ways to express ourselves, either through colouring, building things with blocks, SCREAMING, being naughty, hugging a teddy bear etc… We may not realise that we’re expressing ourselves; we’re just going with the moment and finding ways to entertain ourselves. We’re building a personality, learning about what we like, what we hate. Learning about who we are. I think as we grow older we find it harder and harder to do this.

Sure we can all see importance of expression and find new/unique methods of expression, I’m not saying we forget how to express ourselves totally, but I just think we find it slightly harder..maybe we get more distracted by the ‘bigger’ things.

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When I was young and first learned about being an AB/DL, I mainly looked at it from a superficial approach.. I didn’t so much see it as a chance to relive the times I missed out on a child. I saw it almost exclusively as an attraction to objects, which is fine! (Maybe I was just exploring my DL side). I loved the look of childish clothes because they just looked cute/cool, I loved the warm feel of a nappy between my legs (just because), the thought of being fed in a high chair or being changed on a changing table etc etc. My ‘little’ fantasy was surrounded by objects as I’m sure it is for the majority of AB/DL’s. It’s funny to think how various objects can make us feel a certain way or help us relive a softer and more secure time.

In my late teens and early 20’s I experimented with my AB/DL side quite a bit.. Wearing/wetting nappies, sucking on my pacifier, drinking from a bottle etc. I also experimented with it sexually and could always get quite turned on by having to waddle with a thick, warm nappy between my legs.

However, there’s always been an aspect of being little which I’ve sort of overlooked, an aspect which is below the surface of what’s normally associated with adult babies. This is that being little is a time I can express myself in more ways than just wearing nice clothes and be taken care of. Ways like playing with toys, colouring, talking with my teddy bear (Hey Wilbur!) etc.

Throughout the majority of my life as an AB/DL, I’ve never really bothered to learn much about my ‘identity’ as a little, I’ve just wanted to be dressed like a baby and looked after to satisfy adult urges. It’s true that by experiencing the latter, I satisfy a deep need to be safe, secure and loved unconditionally, which is awesome and keeps me relatively sane. It’s what I need. But by going that bit further and exploring my little ‘identity’ I’m also able to learn about who that little boy inside me actually *is*.

Now I’ve got a mummy who takes care of me (which is truly amazing) I’ve become much more interested in finding out my interests, hobbies and general personality as a little which has helped me think about ways to express myself. The adult me loves goofy and all the aforementioned stuff, but what does little peter rabbit like? Surely not just cute clothes.. What kind of kid only loves clothes? Clothes are boring, toys are awesome!

Take drawing for instance: My big side has always had an interest in drawing and painting. When I struggled badly with anxiety I used to draw constantly to take my mind off it. I’d spend all night doing huge drawings because I felt it was the only way I could express myself. It’s only been recently that I’ve bought colouring books and drew as a 2.5 year old. I have to say it felt great and really therapeutic. I got lost!

I’m looking forward to buying some more toys, spending more time playing, and learning about who Little Peter Rabbit is. Regression truly is a diverse thing with many possibilities to explore!

 

Thanks for reading,

Stay true to yourself.

Bye-bye from me + goof!

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Mental Health.

Today has been a bad day.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed which was no biggie. We all do every now and again.. Some stuff happened in the morning which made the day a little worse, but I got through it even though I was still feeling low. But I managed to leave the house for some air which felt good. I ran some errands, done some work and I actually felt myself climbing out of the drain which I was circling. I felt good! Later on I even managed to squeeze in some little time as I thought being in my little place might turn the day around once and for all. But I couldn’t get to my little place. Something pulled me back. Something which was starting to make me feel like I used to feel years ago.

I called my girlfriend because it was around the time she’d be walking home from work and I thought that hearing her voice would cheer me up. It did. She asked me if I’ve been a good boy for her while she was at work and she told me she was going to get me a treat on her way home.

How does she do that?

How does she make the darkness subside so easily?

“Maybe it’s just Mummy that I need”

I’ve always suffered from symptoms very close to that of Borderline Personality Disorder.   I’ve never had a written diagnosis or anything like that, but I have in fact been told in the past by “trained professionals” that I display those symptoms. I’ve never really understood what that means, but after I looked it up years ago I accepted that those symptoms sound very familiar. So I just went with it. It’s not nice knowing that you may have a mental health problem. But on the other hand it’s always felt good being able to pin my highs and lows (especially my lows) onto something which is actually a thing.

But for the past 2/3 years, the low periods have got further and further apart from each other. I’ve gradually felt better and have become much, much happier. It’s really felt like a thing of the past. Which is awesome! Nothing beats feeling like a ‘mental health problem’ is over and done with!

But today I’ve felt myself revisiting some of those old symptoms.

When my girlfriend got home I felt a glimmer of hope, I wanted so desperately for her to immediately sense I wasn’t feeling good. I wanted her to hold my head in her arms and tell me “There, there. It’s OK sweety, Mummy is here to take care of you now. Let’s get you changed”. But she didn’t. Why? Because that’s life. That’s being an individual entitled to your own feelings and emotions. My girlfriend had just spent over an hour walking home from work. She was cold, wet, tired and hungry. But I just wanted the focus and attention to be on me and I wanted her to make me feel better. I wasn’t thinking about her. Just me. ME. ME. ME.

My girlfriend walked into the kitchen and started making her dinner. My insides were screaming “I’m here! give me some attention!”. But no sign of Mummy. Just my girlfriend making tea, chatting to me like everything was fine. Mind you, at this point I hadn’t even given the slightest indication that anything was wrong. I had already slipped into a real low and Mummy was my last hope. Not because being babied is what normally works (just so you know).. I rarely get like this. I just thought it may make me feel better.

I don’t know if it was a typical tantrum that I felt coming on… or a “symptom” of the BPD which was reemerging.. The lines were starting to blur. But when my girlfriend didn’t go into ‘Mummy mode’ I felt those feelings of rejection, neglect and abandonment all wash over me.

And there it was. My last bit of hope had gone. All because I was too selfish to see my girlfriend as a person and not as a “Mummy” put there for my own needs. I really wish I was able to fight it. But it’s almost like I wanted to feel like shit.

I ate a little tea and went upstairs to be alone. She could now see that I was feeling shitty.

My wonderful caring girlfriend left me to go upstairs because she thought I needed to be alone and needed some space. I don’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t want space. I didn’t want to be alone but I was just feeling too low to not be alone. The only energy I had was spent on my insides which were still screaming “HERE I AM! I’M UPSTAIRS”.

Eventually she came to see if I wanted to talk but my energy was sapped. I gave her nothing. Just pushed her away, which made me feel worse because I could see myself doing it. I sat there numb while she tried to comfort me without being over bearing. She is such a soldier girl. Yet all I could do was push her away in an attempt to not risk further rejection.

After some silence and a little bit of mumbling, I went for a bath. Sometimes a bath cheers me up. I sat up in the water. Very still. On my own. For 40 minutes. Eventually she came in to check on me, tried to get some sort of information out of me. The less I gave her, the more I hated myself. The shorter my answers were, the lower I felt.

We talked about some things which were unrelated, that made things a bit easier. I didn’t want to talk about how I was feeling or what was (and still is) wrong. Not only because I didn’t know the answers, but also because I’ve never been able to talk when I get like this. I just shut down into a big ball of numb.

After a while she said she was gonna go and finish off some craft work she’d been doing earlier

“Can’t you stay here with me?” I mumbled

She smiled.

“Of Course” she said.

At that moment I realised I (we) will get through it. But for now all I can really say is: I’m sorry ******. I’m sorry for feeling horrible, which makes me act horrible.

In a nutshell: The first two years of our Parent/little relationship

Wow, what a year it’s been!

To the few people who read my blog: Sorry I did not post in December! This is because things were very busy for the both of us throughout Christmas. We’ve visited both of our families at opposite sides of England, we’ve had family come stay with us, we’ve spent time with friends here in the North, we’ve been on holiday in Wales and have been busy planning a holiday for later this year. To top it off, we have still been very busy at work! So here’s hoping January is going to be chill. I’m happy with the way the year has ended for us though. On New Year’s Eve we sat together with a bottle of fizz and spoke about all the things we’ve accomplished this year (I know, I know, that’s the biggest cliche in the world). Not surprisingly, one of the biggest things on our list was how far we’ve come as Mummy and Baby!

This year has presented a very wild ride for Mummy and me. Just under 2 years ago I first told my girlfriend that I had a secret. It was really difficult me to explain, which made it even harder for her to understand. But we got through it and slowly moved forward. It’s hard to say *how* we moved forward as we were both very confused about it all. She didn’t know what it all meant or how it would affect our relationship, whereas I found it hard to make sense of my feelings and was afraid of how her view of me would change if I was completely honest with her. It was all a bit of a mess but we managed to get by.

2014 was definitely the hardest year for us (What with the first nappy change n’ all), but it was the most important because we got over the initial awkwardness. Firstly we managed to get “this thing” out in the open which was probably the hardest step there was. It was so difficult for me to find the right words and put things in a way that wouldn’t freak her out. I constantly thought “What must she be thinking?” I thought about it from many different perspectives and thought about endless possible outcomes. I could think of a million reasons why I shouldn’t tell her, but only one reason why I should. Luckily the one reason I decided to tell her outweighed all the negatives..

I love this person and I want to share my life with her.

It felt good getting things out. Really good. Like a massive weight the size of China had been lifted. I’d kept it inside for so long and spent many hours dreaming of meeting somebody whom I could share my secret with and now I had finally done it. What an accomplishment!

But what next?

I think I’d failed to realise that simply confiding in my girlfriend was not my ultimate goal, but only the beginning of a journey. Part of me really REALLY hoped that she’d just “get it” and would be into it!… Due to the fact it can so hard telling a loved one a secret of this magnitude I think it’s easy to turn a blind eye to “what comes next”. But what did come next was the journey. When I look back now, I think to myself “So I told my soulmate a secret, big deal”. What we did afterwards was much, much braver. And the most important (and somewhat obvious) thing I’ve come to learn is: I wasn’t looking for somebody to accept me, I was looking for somebody who would help me accept myself.

Wow. Deep.

All that aside, I feel what really helped us was reading this book: “There’s a Baby in my bed” by Rosaline Bent, not just because of how informative and interesting it is on the subject of Infantilism, but because it was something we could do together as a couple. It made it much easier to get over the initial awkwardness and I urge any couple to read this book if you’re in the early stages of making an AB/DL relationship.

2015 was way more productive.  It proved to use that a Mummy/little relationship really is a long journey. It’s not something that can be rushed despite me (and many other ABDLs) wanting everything to happen at once! We’ve always taken things in steps. Probably smaller steps that what other couples may, but it’s been what works for us. Slowly but surely we tried more things together. We had more playtime together, We talked more, We got to know who my little is and what he likes, Mummy even started having more input in what clothes I’d get! (One particular memory I have is Mummy telling me she thought there is a ‘fine line’ between cute AB clothing and creepy ‘fancy dress’ AB clothing, which I totally agree with. This gave us the idea to do some shopping together and discuss what we both liked)

The year passed and things have now become much more natural to us both. I admit that somethings things have went a little too slowly and some things have been a little too rushed, but those have just been lessons learned which helped us along the way.  The most important thing which we always keep in mind is that we’re together on this journey no matter what pace we go. Our adult/adult relationship is the centre of it all and that will always take priority.

We definitely still have a way to go, sometimes I wish we were further along, but one thing I do from time to time is look back to where we were 2 years ago.

So the second year of Mummy and Peter Rabbits Journey is over. Now it’s on to year 3! I’m quite looking forward to what it has in store for us. Especially seeing as Mummy seem’s to have discovered her own little!

Happy New Year!

Little Peter Rabbit x