“Most Little Ones know their age and are almost invariably wrong. Or are they? […] most Little Ones guess their inner age wrongly. However, that doesn’t really matter. If they think they are 3 years old yet still crawl, then that’s acceptable, even though that’s a-typical behavior for that age child. […] They choose an age that feels right even though it isn’t really.” – Rosalie Bent
I don’t really know how most other Littles/ABs initially realise their age (or find an age they identify themselves as). I imagine it’s probably a combination of factors (personality, childhood memories, sexual interests etc), but for me its always just been something I’ve known. It was a feeling that I had and I just accepted without question. I was always a 1 1/2 year old at heart. How did I know my Little was this age? I’ve no idea, it just felt right for me.
I saw my Little as somebody who could not take care of himself and couldn’t really speak beyond nonsense baby talk. I felt my little had basically no independence at all therefore needed a loving carer to take care of everything from nappy changes to breast feeding to deciding what cartoons to let me watch. The more babyish the clothes I’d hypothetically be put into, the happier I would be. The less choice I would have, the safer I’d feel… and speaking of safety, this has also been a huge factor for me in realise what age I am because the more I feel there is somebody else looking out for me, the safer I feel so naturally the younger I am, the safer I am!
But the age of my Little seems to have changed over the past 18 months. I seem to have unknowingly grown into a 3 year old, which is a funny coincidence seeing as 18 months ago I was 1 1/2. You might think “that’s hardly a change at all” but a lot changes in that time.
How did this happen? Well, again, I think it’s been a combination of factors…
Having a girlfriend who knew very little about age-play/infantilism made playdates quite difficult for us in the beginning, even after having many discussions about the logistics of it (what I liked, what she was comfortable/confident with etc). Our first few playdates were great, but as time went on, I realised I was kind of just expecting mummy to predict what I wanted/needed and some key needs would often go unmet because I was too little to vocalise any of this. The fact that I couldn’t really talk wasn’t helping Mummy out much because she was having to learn a lot on her own, probably by judging my reactions or talking to me about it afterwards (at which time I was probably feeling pretty sheepish and reluctant to talk completely openly as I was still going through quite a bit of shame). I wasn’t making it totally easy and stress free for her, so we eventually found that the more I altered my littles talking abilities, the easier it was for us to communicate during Little time. Eventually it just started to make sense and things immediately got easier for both of us. E.G When I could see Mummy struggle with something like changing me, I could say something to help her out like “Silly Mummy has it backwards” or something like that. Make sense? Sure did to us.
As time went on and the more Little Time we had, I found that I started to really enjoy the quality time we were having together as Parent & little. We had funny “conversations” together, played games together, and I could even help Mummy pick out outfits for me. Looking back to when it was more one-sided, it feels like we were missing out on exploring some funner actives to do together! There were aspects of being little which I never really thought about before… It used to be all ‘me me me’, whereas getting older has made it more ‘us us us’. It’s been LOTS of fun!
As a Big, I’ve also gradually become more comfortable in my own skin and am learning to be proud of who I am (work in progress). Because of this, my need to feel safety has gradually weakened and my AB needs have become less about safety/comfort and more of a want to share an extremely intimate and loving experience with my girlfriend. I’m not saying that the former is no longer a need, because it definitely is…but Its just become less of ‘the point’ of it all. So because I don’t necessarily need to feel *as* safe as I did in the past (probably because since being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I’ve generally felt safer as an adult too) I don’t really need to be as young and helpless as I once did.
What I’d say to an AB/Little that struggles with communicating with their parent/carer would be: Don’t be afraid to go out of your comfort zone and trying being a bit older, the beauty of age-play is that key word “Play”. You’re in charge and can change back whenever you want if you don’t like it, but just don’t forget how hard it must be for a Mummy/Daddy who can’t read minds. Make it easier for them once in a while!
Once my girlfriend joked about the concept of me identifying with a snotty, bratty 15 year old! Who knows where I’ll be in 12 years? haha!
Now that WOULD be unusual..
On the other hand I may start feeling younger again and craving the safety I needed years ago. But for now, I’m really enjoying being 3 🙂