So this is the second part of a post I wrote in May about trying to find a good time to tell my girlfriend about my “AB/DL side”. I’ve mentioned a ‘bit of advice’ for telling a loved one a secret … but there’s no right or wrong for telling a partner. Everybody is different and this is just my version… I don’t want to give off the impression that I really know what I’m talking about… I’m just talking! 🙂
(It’s a bit cringy for me to re-visit the time I told my girlfriend about my inner child so I’ve put this ‘2nd partner’ off for a while. If I could have a do-over I definitely would and my approach would be very different. But here’s the cringey jist of what followed…)
So my heart was racing after I’d said ”Well I suppose theres something thing Ive not been totally open about” because that meant that I was now knee deep and had to think very carefully about what I wanted to say and the words that I wanted to use. It felt like there was no turning back..
She said “Okay…”
I said “Well…” and followed this up with silence (Nice one Peter R….Eloquently put!)
I couldn’t say “Well… I am an Adult Baby” because although this may sound pretty weak, I wasn’t ready to use those words. I’ve already expressed in my previous posts that I was, at that time, pretty ashamed and intolerant of my inner child… So those words were something I’d really have trouble with saying out loud. Also, that way of putting it seemed a bit too intense and I felt like I needed to ease her into something like this. After all our relationship was pretty fresh and I felt this was a very delicate thing to say to somebody…
I stayed silent for a another moment but made it obvious that I was searching for the right words and hadn’t just forgotten we were talking. I don’t know if the silence was worrying her, or if she could just sense I was nervous, but she waited calmly for me to say what I wanted to say.
But I really didn’t know how to say it… I was completely stuck. All my fears started to come to the surface.. What will she think?, Is this gonna be the end of our relationship?, What if she thinks I’m sick and gross?. “Not helping” I told myself and tried to get on with it…
No doubt I managed to force out something like “Ummm” (Such poetry, Peter R!)
Just when it was starting to feel like a life time, I got a flashback to a few months prior when we were walking in the park and she’d brought up the subject of adult babies and a documentary she had seen on the subject. I didn’t really say much at that time as I felt a bit awkward seeing as I *was* one, so I just listened to her talk about it.
I figured I’d use that memory as my starting point (seeing as I had no other option and had to say something). I refreshed her memory about the documentary she’d mentioned to me, luckily she remembered, and I went on to talk about how I related to the people in the documentary and I myself had this “little” side to my personality. I spoke more about the “psychological side” of it and less about the “nappy wearing, dummy sucking, bottle feeding” side of it (to the point where there was little or no mention of it at all). I shouldnt have been too embarassed to talk about it on a physical/practical sense… but alas, I was..so whaddya gonna do? Instead I just talked about how I liked to regress to a simpler time and that I identified with being a 2 year old little boy, how I used regression as a way to relax, vent, escape etc. I felt like if I could make it seem less like “I get my kicks from wearing nappies” then it would make it seem…um.. less weird I guess? I admit it.. that was a boo-boo, because it just made what I was saying too cryptic and confusing.
Even though she *seemed* to understand what I was saying and seemed fairly welcoming to it, over the next few days I replayed that conversation over in my head and came to the conclusion that I was actually so nervous that I wasn’t really clear enough, I mumbled, I danced around what I was trying to say and I tried my hardest to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal to me at all. I think she may have thought that it was just something that I thought about from time to time and not something that I actually *do* (i.e actually dress up in baby clothes and pretend to be a 2 year old boy). This was the problem with focusing too much on the psychological side and less of the physical side… Me thinks I could have done explaining it a bit more evenly.
A bit of advice to anybody who plans one day to tell somebody about their secret: If you’re going to tell somebody you love and trust, and who you know will accept you no matter what, then it’s OK to be brutally honest. Don’t speak in code, don’t mumble and try to sugar coat it – Because I was nervous to the point where I just wasn’t clear enough and I just ended up confusing us both and making it more complicated.. (in fact I probably made it sound like I had Dissociative Identity Disorder). You’re loved one will have to find out one way or another, so its better to just be honest about it when the time is right, If they’re pretty vanilla then don’t hope that they’ll just *get* what you’re trying to say without saying it. I struggle with words sometimes so if could go back I would probably write down what I wanted to say and memorise it so I could paraphrase and stay on track.. I definitely wouldn’t just dive in there (unless I had more confidence and was good with my words).
She had a few questions for me and I gave her fairly short, embarrassed mutters. If I was clearer in the first place she would have probably had more questions, and if I had the stomach to give honest and more in depth answers then she would have probably had even more and the conversation would have been easier. But she didn’t because I’d already made it hard enough for us by being really unclear, and now I was making it even harder by squirming whenever she asked me a question.. I think she was struggling to process what I had actually said.
But it wasn’t a total disaster… She told me that she *was* really interested, that she loves me and wants to find out more about it in the future. But we we’re both tired and we drifted off in each others arms.
So there I said it…I think? Hang on… What did I actually say? What just happened? I barely remember anymore.. it all happened so fast! What a pigs ear I made of it! But either way I was over the initial hump and the next time we spoke about it things would be much easier… and I’d accomplished one of my goals which was to meet somebody who I trust enough to confide in about my “little” secret. Small victory for me!