I’ve been feeling fairly low the past few days. Not very low. Just a bit low. But I want to talk a tiny bit about my history of feeling this way and how my Little has been a part of this.
Its fairly standard of me go through periods of low mood which lasts for a few days or so at a time, usually for various reasons of which I wont talk about in any depth. But I will say that over the years I’ve gradually overcome a few mental health problems including anorexia, depression and acute anxiety (now only mild). In the past, before I overcame the bulk of my problems, I would find it very easy to fall into a deep black hole of depression which would last for days/weeks at a time. ‘Bi-polar’ you might say? Well some of my symptoms did match those of Bi-polar disorder, but no I’ve thankfully never been diagnosed with BPD and my low moods were often a result of my other mental health problems (Anorexia mainly).
During these dark times I was often angry, mean, irritable, bitter, probably drunk, and generally not a very nice person to be around.
There was one other factor which contributed to my low moods which I never spoke about to my therapist, my *then* girlfriend, or anybody at all for that matter. But even though I never acknowledged or discussed it, I knew that it was a factor none the less (and a big one at that). Yep you’ve guessed it, it was my inner child who I rejected, neglected, ignored and did not care for in any way. I was in a relationship at the time with a girl who, lets say, wasn’t exactly the most understanding person in the world nor was she particularly open minded. I knew that she would never understand nor accept me or my little side so I did what most people with low confidence would do: I blocked it out and tried my best to forget about my inner child. Little did I know how much damage I was actually doing to myself and those around me by neglecting such a huge inner need. Not just a “want” mind you, but a “N.E.E.D”.
By ignoring/rejecting my little one, I was depriving myself of that special kind of love and attention which I’m sure that any Little reading this will understand. And as my *little* side wasnt getting this love, I would also feel un-loved as an *adult*, and that I would/could never be loved. This in turn meant I could never trust or love another human being, or even love myself. I felt utterly alone.
However, I did once come to the realisation that enough was enough and it was time for me to make a change, so I told my ex girlfriend about the Adult Baby inside me. Sadly this was only met with borderline hostility and disgust and it was made clear that I should just forget about it. So I’m sure you can appreciate why I never really had the confidence myself to accept my little side (I mean, if this is how “open-minded” people take news like this, then I must be a reeeal freak eh?). It took a long time to recover from a blow like that and regain what little trust I initially had in people. That meant the low moods continued and my self loathing just grew and grew over time.
But thankfully, after a very long and very unhappy few years, that relationship ended. I realised much later that my lack of trust in people wasnt so much because of me, it was because of her. She gave me very valid reasons not to trust people. It was only when I moved on, met a new circle of friends and met my now girlfriend that I understood how being able to trust somebody is something they earn from you and not the other way around.
Since I have started to accept and see my little one more as a real person who needs genuine love and attention, my lows have steadilly been replaced with highs, the regularity of my bad moods has lessened, and I’m begining to know what it feels like to truely trust somebody.
But because I am an ADULT-baby, and not a BABY-baby. I have other commitments which sometimes means I *do* have to neglect my inner child from time to time. It doesnt mean I’m rejecting it completely, it just means that I have to prioritise the other side of my life. But the problem this can present is that by neglecting my little side too much, it can have a negative affect on *both* sides of my personality thus causing me to feel low i.e. I revert back to feeling “unloved” not fully accepted. Complicated stuff I know!
So its important for me to find the right balance between letting my little side express himself, and not let it get too much in the way of my adult responsibilities/relationships. It’s always hard finding this balance: either because sometimes my partner is not in the mood, or sometimes we’re busy for weeks on end, or sometimes we just prefer hanging out like a regular adult couple. I do regret letting my moods get the better of me during these periods, but it can also be very hard and I suppose that all goes with being an Adult Baby and the journey I’m on. It has its ups and it’s downs. I mean, you can’t have everything right?… well if you can, then it certainly takes a lot of figuring out.
Well that was pretty deep for a Monday! I think I need a drink :p