I’ve always had very low self esteem. Whether it’s concerns my looks/personality, weight, ability to do something considered to be “good” (ie cooking a decent meal, making a good piece of art etc), I’ve always just been a very critical judge of myself (and other people for that matter). Even though I’m happy to say I’m no where near as bad as I used to be, I haven’t gotten past this completely yet. I’m still my own worst critic.
I recently read that this is fairly common ground for a lot of “little” folk as many of us have had things happen at some point which influenced us to develop low opinions of ourselves. I know that statement isn’t necessarily true for every AB, but I’m sure there’s some truth to it. Anyway, it’s true for me so there *sticks tongue out*.
But I’ve noticed recently that when I’m fully regressed and my mummy is taking care of me, my feelings of low self esteem seem to completely disappear along with any feelings of stupidity or embarassment which I *used to* get when we’d have ‘little time’. It really is an amazing (though slightly alien) feeling for me to know I can be my true self without any negative feelings attached to it. Seeing somebody looking down to me who will not judge or silently mock me for wearing a nappy and romper whilst sucking on a dummy, but who instead truly loves me for who I am and will simply take care of me means I can truely “let go” and fully regress.
But as you may have guessed. It wasn’t like that right from the get go.
When my girlfriend and I first agreed that we’d try having some little time together with her playing the role of my mummy, I was quite naive to the fact that it wasn’t going to be easy and there was potential for it to be very awkward and there would be set backs. Instead I just thought “Awesome, Can’t wait!”. Before our first ‘attempt’, we had some awkward discussions about it, which then moved to more comfortable conversations which eventually led to us saying “well, lets give it a go”. So we gave it a go.
It wasn’t a disaster, infact it *was* awesome! For a first try you might have tipped your bonnet to us. However, the following few times were much different, more awkward and knocked my confidence a bit. This caused a few problems for us. I then realised that the first time was probably just a fluke and it would take a lot of time and practice to get beyond the initial awkardness and uncomfortable feelings.
I think one of the biggest hurdles our parent/little relationship initially faced was to do with my low self esteem. Before I shared my secret with my girlfriend, I had only experienced regression (or “little time” as we now call it) when I was alone, because nobody knew about it! This made things a lot easier for me because I had nobody to feel stupid or embarassed in front of. But once we tried having ‘little time’ as a couple, I realised that the ‘fantasy’ was very different from the reality. I had imagined that it would be so easy for the both of us, that we’d both love it and we’d go on to have the perfect mummy/little relationship. But the reality was that it was just as hard for me as it was for her. The hard part for me was mainly because I’d feel very stupid and embarssed about the whole thing and that she would think all these horrid things about me. Afterall, I am a 6ft man who from time to time acts and dresses as a 3 year old, so naturally I’m going to feel a little dumb while having a nappy change from a girl for the first time. I couldnt help but think “God, what must she be thinking?” or “She must think I’m completely insane” which really prevented us from truely connecting and getting something positive out of the experience. I think she could sense the awkwardness that radiated off me which also affected her confidence and made her doubt herself by thinking “He’s not enjoying this” or “I’m doing it all wrong” or “What does he want me to do next?” etc. Funny how that works.
The thing which helped us through this is actually really very incredibly simple, which didnt occur to me at first. I just *told* her that I felt stupid and embarassed or that she might think I was a great big weird-o. Simple ey? Needless to say she put my mind at ease and, with time, I started to feel more and more comfortable with myself.
Talking is boss. As soon as we started to focus more on our feelings and concerns, things slowly began to click. We’re not mind readers, I wish we were (that would be awesome) but we’re not. All these negative feelings I have about myself started to come out and sloowly started to disappear because she was able to understand and support me. All because I just told her that I felt silly and she replied with “I don’t think you’re silly” 🙂 This has led to me feeling a lot more confident in general too (which is great!). There were other things we’ve done and other problems we had to overcome to make it easier. But this was a key moment for me.
So my advice is just talk about it, if you feel stupid, then crack open a bottle of wine (that always helps). If you don’t talk then that tiny negative feeling will just grow and grow into something much bigger and make the whole thing worse.