So where was I? Oh yeah… I was trying my hardest to avoid being open & honest with this new woman in my life whom my feelings were growing stronger for every day, while at the same time (unknowingly) risking pushing us further apart by having this invisible barrier between us which was only growing as time passed. Wow. Intense.
For months I had fantasised about the idea of feeling just comfortable enough to come out to my new girlfriend and say “There’s something I haven’t told you about me” or “I’ve been hiding something from you” or “I need a mummy to take care of my every need and that person is now YOU!” – Okay… not the last one. But the problem for me was (as I’m sure is for a lot of AB’s afraid of telling their loved one) I didn’t really know what “comfortable enough” meant let alone how I would get to that point. Would I just have a huge change of heart one day and think “I don’t give a **** what anybody thinks”? Knowing me, probably not. In fact, If hadn’t even accepted it myself yet, then how was I going to trust somebody enough to open up about my deepest and most embarrassing secret? And even if I were to get to a point where *I* felt comfortable/confident enough, what’s to say that *she* was going to be okay with hearing it? When would there be a good time to talk something like this? (Wow…Talk about over analysing things. Im out of breath! So many questions with uncertain answers…).
I felt like I was doomed to forever put it on the back burner and live in hope that one day I’d somehow just wake up and be in a successful ‘parent/little one relationship’ and all the hard work would be behind me. Naive, but true. I suppose the best thing I could do was ‘wait for the right moment’… What that moment would be or when it would present itself, I had no idea…
Looking back: I can see now what I couldn’t see at the time which was that I wasn’t really *that* afraid of what she would think of me or how she would react (That was definitely still a big factor, mind you). I already knew she was very open-minded and generally a very accepting person who wouldn’t ridicule me or say “Sorry, this is too much. Bye”. My real fear was that admitting it to somebody else would mean I’d actually have to *say it out loud* and hear *myself* say “I am an adult baby”, and who could be more judging and critical of myself than myself?. At the time, I just figured I had a strong urge to indulge in AB activities and have some ‘little time’ every now and again, but I never really considered myself to actually be an Adult baby! I wasn’t involved in the community, had never really told anybody else about my little side (bar one old relationship, story for another day), I didn’t have a full sized nursery complete with changing table, high chair, extensive wardrobe etc – therefore I wasn’t really an Adult Baby right?. Wrong. Wrong and pretty ignorant of me. Ignorant sounds bad… lets say “Unenlightened”? Ok, ignorant. Have it your way. Anyway, that was to be my bigger challenge. Not telling her. Telling myself. But for now, telling her was gonna be a real chore.
Whoops, I got lost there for a moment…back to finding the right moment.
I think I had resigned to the fact that I was not going to sit her down and make a big intervention about it as though it were some huge relationship defining type deal. Instead I figured I should just casually slip it into the conversation when the time was right. Yeah. No big deal. Happens all the time.
There seemed to be a great deal of “right time”‘s over the next few months, but I only actually had the confidence to mention it much later while we were having a deep and meaningful conversation in bed at night. That situation made me feel safe and less vulnerable (it was also pitch black which made it easier). So I guess there actually is such a thing as a good time and place after all! I won’t say exactly what we were talking about, not only because I don’t remember exactly, but it was an intimate and private moment thank you very MUCH. However, in that intimate conversation, it was made clear to me that I never had to hide anything and could talk about anything without being afraid or ashamed. Well if I missed an invitation like that then it was probably never going to happen, and I’d kick myself right in the face for being an untrusting & borderline dishonest fraidy cat.
So this was my cue. I was nervous and my heart raced and my voice trembled but I managed to say “Well I suppose there’s something thing I’ve not been totally open about”…
“Okay…” she said.