Finding the right moment (Part 1)

So where was I? Oh yeah… I was trying my hardest to avoid being open & honest with this new woman in my life whom my feelings were growing stronger for every day, while at the same time (unknowingly) risking pushing us further apart by having this invisible barrier between us which was only growing as time passed. Wow. Intense.

For months I had fantasised about the idea of feeling just comfortable enough to come out to my new girlfriend and say “There’s something I haven’t told you about me” or “I’ve been hiding something from you” or “I need a mummy to take care of my every need and that person is now YOU!” – Okay… not the last one. But the problem for me was (as I’m sure is for a lot of AB’s afraid of telling their loved one) I didn’t really know what “comfortable enough” meant let alone how I would get to that point. Would I just have a huge change of heart one day and think “I don’t give a **** what anybody thinks”? Knowing me, probably not. In fact, If hadn’t even accepted it myself yet, then how was I going to trust somebody enough to open up about my deepest and most embarrassing secret? And even if I were to get to a point where *I* felt comfortable/confident enough, what’s to say that *she* was going to be okay with hearing it? When would there be a good time to talk something like this? (Wow…Talk about over analysing things. Im out of breath! So many questions with uncertain answers…).

I felt like I was doomed to forever put it on the back burner and live in hope that one day I’d somehow just wake up and be in a successful ‘parent/little one relationship’ and all the hard work would be behind me. Naive, but true. I suppose the best thing I could do was ‘wait for the right moment’… What that moment would be or when it would present itself, I had no idea…


Looking back: I can see now what I couldn’t see at the time which was that I wasn’t really *that* afraid of what she would think of me or how she would react (That was definitely still a big factor, mind you). I already knew she was very open-minded and generally a very accepting person who wouldn’t ridicule me or say “Sorry, this is too much. Bye”. My real fear was that admitting it to somebody else would mean I’d actually have to *say it out loud* and hear *myself* say “I am an adult baby”, and who could be more judging and critical of myself than myself?. At the time, I just figured I had a strong urge to indulge in AB activities and have some ‘little time’ every now and again, but I never really considered myself to actually be an Adult baby! I wasn’t involved in the community, had never really told anybody else about my little side (bar one old relationship, story for another day), I didn’t have a full sized nursery complete with changing table, high chair, extensive wardrobe etc – therefore I wasn’t really an Adult Baby right?. Wrong. Wrong and pretty ignorant of me. Ignorant sounds bad… lets say “Unenlightened”? Ok, ignorant. Have it your way. Anyway, that was to be my bigger challenge. Not telling her. Telling myself. But for now, telling her was gonna be a real chore.


Whoops, I got lost there for a moment…back to finding the right moment.

I think I had resigned to the fact that I was not going to sit her down and make a big intervention about it as though it were some huge relationship defining type deal. Instead I figured I should just casually slip it into the conversation when the time was right. Yeah. No big deal. Happens all the time.

There seemed to be a great deal of “right time”‘s over the next few months, but I only actually had the confidence to mention it much later while we were having a deep and meaningful conversation in bed at night. That situation made me feel safe and less vulnerable (it was also pitch black which made it easier). So I guess there actually is such a thing as a good time and place after all! I won’t say exactly what we were talking about, not only because I don’t remember exactly, but it was an intimate and private moment thank you very MUCH. However, in that intimate conversation, it was made clear to me that I never had to hide anything and could talk about anything without being afraid or ashamed. Well if I missed an invitation like that then it was probably never going to happen, and I’d kick myself right in the face for being an untrusting & borderline dishonest fraidy cat.

So this was my cue. I was nervous and my heart raced and my voice trembled but I managed to say “Well I suppose there’s something thing I’ve not been totally open about”…

“Okay…” she said.

The “What would you do if…” game.

Rewind 18 months or so…

It’s late one night and my girlfriend of around 6 months is over at my flat, we’re goofing around making each other laugh and generally talking nonsense when somehow we end up playing the “What would you do if…?” game which I’m sure most couples have played at some point in their ‘honeymoon’ period. I probably say something like “What would you do if you found out I wore a wig and still hadn’t told you?”.. She laughs it off and retorts with “What would you do if you found out I had false teeth?” we both laugh and do an impression of how we would kiss if we both took our hypothetical false teeth out. The game goes on and it gets funnier and more and more obscure, then all of a sudden she hits me with a very unexpected “What would you do if I told you I was an Adult Baby?”…

*gulp*

That silence between her jokingly asking that question and my response felt like a very long and very awkward moment. I’m sure I must have went bright red. Thankfully she didn’t notice that and we both just ended up chuckling again, but unlike all my other responses I was quite dumbstruck but managed to ramble out something daft like “uh..uhu.. Good question, I don’t actually know!” (I must’ve sounded like Butt-head)

Good question indeed. Verryyyy good question. I had an even better question though.. “What would *she* do if I told her that *I* was an Adult Baby and it wasn’t a joke”. I was obviously much too scared to ask her this at the time, mainly because 1) We’d only been seeing each other for 6 months at the time 2) I’d never been properly open about this with anybody before, how was this any different? 3) She just made a blatant (yet innocent) joke about it, as if to imply that nobody in the real world is actually an AB, and that its just something on bizarre documentaries and talk shows from the early 90’s (We’ve all seen them) or something that couples only incorporate into their “What would you do if” game and not their actual lives. So.. I just shrugged it off…Meh. Whatever.text-what-if

That got me thinking quite a lot over the few days that followed – What would she do if I told her that? Would & could I ever actually tell her something like that? What If I did tell her and then she freaked out and said it was too much? What if she told all her- blah blah blaah bleurghhhh. You know where I’m going with this… Lots of questions, no answers, only fear and self-doubt.

Having said all that, the conclusion I eventually came to at that time was this: If I love her as much as I think I do, then I plan to spend a verrry long time with her (like forever), and if I keep this to myself then thats a hefty lie I’ll be living. The next questions were: Is that a lie I really wanted to live for the rest of the relationship? Answer: No. Would I have to tell her at some point? Answer: Yes. Would I be putting that off for as long as possible? Answer: Yup.

Who needs a drink?