Hello fellow little ones!
For those of you who didn’t read my recent post in which I said that I’d been considering telling a friend about my AB/DL side, you can find it right here. For those of you who read it and are eagerly awaiting to see how it went (shyeah), you can read about that RIIIIGHT NOW.
So for a quick recap: I’ve recently have been feeling very positive about my little side, I feel that the guilt/shame which I normally feel somewhere at the back of my mind is gradually diminishing. Even better, my general self esteem is at an all time high. Physically, I’m still not what you’d call “body confident”, but mentally I’m definitely in a better place in terms of being surer of myself, being more self-reliant, and just generally being happier. So for those reasons I decided to strike while the iron was hot and tell a close friend about my AB/DL side. My reasons for doing so are in the aforementioned blog.
Anyway I didn’t think this would happen so quickly, and to be quite honest, I wasn’t even that sure I was gonna go through with it. I mean talking about telling somebody is one thing, but actually DOING IT? That’s something else entirely. I’d been debating it for a few weeks and I weighed up the pros and cons over and over. Obviously, I mainly focused my energy on thinking about the worst case scenarios that might come from telling a friend a secret of this magnitude (apposed to the positives outcomes). I mean, who wouldn’t do that? ha.
I spoke to my girlfriend and she was pretty positive about it, certainly not negative anyway. I think it’s fair to say she knew that if I wasn’t absolutely confident this was the right decision, that I wouldn’t have even broached the idea.
Which brings me to this bombshell: Last week I did in fact tell my friend that I’m a little. How did it go? Well I’m thrilled to tell you that it was a huge success!
So how did it happen?
So for a few weeks we’d had some plans to meet up for some drinks. The plan was to meet up and get some food in the city, and then head back to her house for drinks. I figured it would be appropriate to tell her while we were in the city while we were still sober (This is a friend whom I usually get pretty drunk with). The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I only told her because I’d had a few too many to drink.
Anyway, we went for food and then for a drink. Conversation flowed pretty naturally as it always does and we discussed a few subjects which I felt were in someway relatable to what I wanted to tell her. So when she said “Everybody has something that makes them unique” I figured it was a good time to say it…. but then I completely bailed. I sat there telling myself “Now’s your chance, it’s the perfect time, tell her!” which then led to “Why aren’t you saying it? You’re about to lose the perfect opportunity and it might not come again”… it was too late though, the moment had passed and she said “I’ll go get us some drinks”.
When she got back to our table and sat down with our drinks I was already kicking myself and thinking I’d blown the chance of telling her this evening. Now it felt it would be too awkward and it would come out of norwhere… but nevertheless I was determined to tell her at the next opportunity, not matter how apt or inconvenient it was. So, for a second time, when I felt it was a good time, I said:
“Can I tell you a secret about myself that you might find a bit difficult to understand?”
“But before I tell you, I want to let you know that this is something-
She cut me off with “Oh no” and all of a sudden she seemed really nervous.
“Just let me finish” I said
I went on with “This that could change the way you see me altogether which worries me, but I’ve reached a point where I feel it’s a good time to tell you”
She honestly looked more scared than I was..
“Oh god… You’ve got cancer?”
I laughed. “No dude, if I had cancer I’d probably be telling you from the hospital”
“You’re a paedophile? You’ve murdered somebody?”
“Oh my God, your guesses are insane. It’s a big secret dude, but not THAT big”
“Sorry” she said “But I just can’t handle the anticipation, you just need to tell me”
“Okay, but I just want to quickly say tha-“
She cut me off again “Fuck. Just tell me”
Because we were in a pub I half leaned over the table to tell her discreetly so that nobody on the next table heard me.
“For as long as I remember, I’ve identified with being a little”
The second I said this, I could feel the knot in my stomach untie. I felt so relieved I almost didn’t care what her reaction was (Almost). I leaned back in anticipation and watched her face immediately light up
“Oh my GOD! really?”
“Wow! I can’t believe it”
I closed my eyes and nodded with a smirk and said “I know… I know”
“You wear nappies?” she said still smiling
“I do” I chuckled at this question because it seemed random, but actually it was probably the most obvious question for her to ask. I imagined she was just checking that I didn’t mean something else when I said that I identified as a little.
“Oh my god! You’re so cute. I love you dude. I need to give you a hug”
I got up and we hugged. I couldn’t believe how well this was going.
“Thanks for being cool. You’ve no idea how hard it was for me to tell you this”
“Of course it was hard for you, this is huge! I feel so privileged that you’d tell me that. I’ve got so many questions to ask but I’ll wait till we leave the pub”
“I’m not answering any more questions, I just told you that and its the end of it”
Her eyes widened with shock and I smiled.
“I’m joking! You can ask me anything you want”
We both laughed and changed the subject. Every now and again she’d randomly go back to it and say something like “I honestly can’t believe you’re a little” or “I feel so happy you trust me this much” which made me feel good. Later on in the evening after we got back to her place we had a huge conversation about it. She didn’t hold back when asking me questions, normally I’d feel pretty awkward about answering some of the things she asked but seeing how genuinely intrigued and enthusiastic she was about it all really boosted my confidence. She made me feel like it was such an insignificant thing and she kept saying how happy I’d made her by trusting her with such a huge and intimate secret about myself. I could tell she felt about as happy as I did that I’d confided in her.
Here’s a selection of questions that she asked me later on:
“How long into your relationship before you told ******?”
“How did you approach the subject with her?”
“Does she take care of you?”
“Does she change you?”
“Do you ‘use’ your nappies or do you just wear them?”
“What are some of the things you own?”
“Do you speak in baby talk or do you talk normally?”
“How does it work? Do you say ‘I’m going to start acting little now’ or do you just gradually regress when you feel like it? Or are you just a different person when you’re friends aren’t around?” – Believe it or not, she actually apologised for sounding stupid by asking this question, but I reassured her that it’s a good question to ask. Anyway, I could go on, but I think you get the idea of the things she asked me.
When I woke up the next day, I had a crippling hangover. Physically, I felt absolutely ROTTEN. I wanted to die the hangover was so bad. But I couldn’t help but smile because for the first time in years, I felt truly positive about my life. Something that I’ve been so ashamed of for so long which at times has made me so unhappy didn’t feel like such a big deal anymore. I now knew that my friend accepts me for exactly who I am. She’d even told me that the only thing this has changed is that it has made our friendship even stronger. A huge stress had been lifted from my shoulders. Telling her was such a relief, no hangover would beat the happiness I felt that morning.
When I first started this blog I was in a completely different place to where I am now and it’s amazing to think how far I’ve come (and also how far Mummy and me have come as a couple). I never anticipated that I’d reach a point in my life where not only would I have enough confidence to tell my girlfriend, but that I’d actually go one step further and have the faith in myself to confide in a close friend. I’m so happy that I’ve come this far. I’m actually looking forward to where the journey will go next!
Thanks for reading,
little peter rabbit x